Daily Archives: November 2, 2007

Hillary Clinton undressed or not

The secret is safe with her

Inebriated Press
November 2, 2007

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton may or may not be physically and politically naked but we’ll never know if we ask her.  All indications suggest that she want’s to be both and neither.  It appears to be part of her effective strategy to get elected president and then do whatever she wants.  The approach worked successfully for hubby and former president Bill Clinton, and pundits say it’ll probably work for her.

“Hillary is the master of double-speak and a great aspirer to neutral-speak,” said Mickey Mouse, a cartoon character often compared with the candidate recently.  “She’s trying to avoid lying the way Bill Clinton did when he was president.  By not telling you anything, or by giving you all sides without picking one, she stays in the weeds.  Donald Duck does that to me all the time and I can never tell where he’s coming from.  That rascal.”

Democratic presidential candidates debated last Tuesday with most taking pokes at Hillary Clinton the current leader in Democrat candidate polls for president.  Barack Obama said Hillary shifts positions when convenient and he can’t figure out where she stands at all, and John Edwards accused her of flip-flopping on Iraq.  In defense of her positions Hillary said she believes all the issues are important and will carefully consider them.  When asked by the debate moderator about her support of illegal immigrants getting driver licenses in New York she said she never said she supported it and would not say she didn’t.  Hillary’s plan to be seen as all things to all people until she is in charge and everyone takes what she gives appears to be firmly on track.

“Some of the things people want to know about my views are very personal and private,” said Senator Clinton locking her history as First Lady in a closet and posting a Doberman in front of it.  “American’s need to respect my privacy and realize that I have their best interests at heart.  They don’t need to know how I stand on the issues.  I have said I’d increase taxes because I’ll need trillions to fund government controlled health care; and I plan to centralize power to myself, Bill and a couple of Arkansas buddies who aren’t in prison and haven’t committed suicide.  Why aren’t people comfortable with that?  How come everyone is picking on me?”

Argentina elected First Lady Cristina Fernández de Kirchner as president this past Sunday and Hillary said it is the right kind of trend for the Americas.  “Electing the wives of former presidents makes good sense,” said Clinton speaking to a group of illegal immigrants about drivers licenses and free health care.  “It’s high time that North America started to adapt the trends of Latin America.  In fact, if I don’t get elected, I may lead a coup just to get us into the age of classic Southern Hemisphere politics.”

“Hillary is the right candidate for our age,” said Stinky Green a political history expert with an underarm odor problem.  “All things are relative and nothing is black and white.  Some want socialist health care and some don’t.  Some want illegal immigrants to be given State issued drivers licenses and some don’t.  Some want Islamofascism and some don’t.  Either way, all of them are fine.  Let Hillary decide, it’s the easiest thing to do.  I don’t want to think.  No one does.  Hillary is our way out.”

In related news, a recent study of U.S. politics by American University determined conclusively that there will be an election for president in 2008 and someone is likely to be elected.  The study was unable to determine what they’ll do but the odds remain high that something will happen and action of some kind will be taken.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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FBI raids chicken farm, finds Amelia Earhart

Illegal immigrant bust ends in aviator discovery

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 2, 2007

In a shocking discovery the FBI has found missing aviator Amelia Earhart on a North Carolina chicken farm where she used illegal Mexican immigrants to feed and care for 5,000 birds. The 110 year old pilot was indicted on five counts of knowingly hiring illegal workers and for keeping her presence secret while rescuers searched for her in the Pacific Ocean. Earhart said she’d tired of the media hype that surrounded her 1937 flight and decided to ditch her plane in the ocean and hitchhike back to the mainland. Once there she went into the chicken business using the name Murphy Brown. But not everyone is convinced the chicken farmer is the missing aviator.

“You’re asking me to believe that a 110 year old chicken farmer is a famous lost pilot?” asked Chauncey Gardener an expert in aviation and horticulture. “I don’t buy it. Chicken farmers can’t fly. It goes against their grain.”

But others are convinced that the FBI has it figured out. “That’s Amelia alright,” said 300 year old Sissy Spacek a duck wrangler and Loretta Lynn look-alike. “I remember her when she was just a kid and didn’t even have wings. That chicken farmer is scrawny and mouthy the same way Amelia was and when I heard she kicked one of the agents in the groin just to see the color green, I knew it was her for sure.”

Amelia Earhart is a noted American aviation pioneer, author and women’s rights advocate. Earhart was the first woman to receive the Distinguished Flying Cross, which she was awarded as the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island during an attempt to make a circumnavigational flight of the globe in 1937. Most historians think her plane crashed and she was killed. Others believe she faked her death and spied on the Japanese for then President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Still others say she actually was Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) and that is why he stayed in a wheel chair much of the time. They say that had FDR stood up people would have spotted her skirt. Historians are still debating this and hope the chicken farmer will finally clear things up.

In other news, Hillary Clinton says Amelia Earhart backs her for president and Barack Obama says Clinton is full of chicken shit; but admits they both like illegal Mexican immigrants and think they’re spiffy.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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