Daily Archives: November 5, 2007

Osama bin Laden Runs for President

Islamofascist candidate gains support

Inebriated Press
November 5, 2007

Osama bin Laden announced his candidacy today for President of the United States of America.  Bin Laden said that he has the backing of the Far Right who want stricter rules against nudity, homosexuals and  women’s rights and also has the backing of the Far Left who want stricter rules against Christians and Jews plus an ally to help them fight Rush Limbaugh, Shawn Hannity, James Dobson and Glen Beck.  The new Party called “Fascist Islamic Terrorists & American Nationalist Groups Radical Yearning” (FIT&ANGRY) says that they can win leadership and make huge improvements in the U.S.  But a few wet blankets say the Party isn’t legal and won’t be allowed to compete.

“Regardless of how sensible the arguments bin Laden’s FIT&ANGRY Party have, bin Laden isn’t a citizen of this country,” said Bob Lenhard of the U.S. Federal Election Commission, polishing his shoes with sandpaper.  “That means he can’t run as a presidential candidate here and really should come out of hiding and be shot in Afghanistan.”

But not everyone sees it the way the Election Commissioner does.  “The Election commissioners that Republicans appointed are once again showing complete disregard for the rights of people,” said Nadine Strossen, President of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) while freeing a serial killer on the grounds that he was uncomfortable being locked up.  “The ACLU is considering suing the Federal Government to allow minorities like Islamofascist terrorists to participate in the U.S. election process and be properly represented.  This high-handed Government approach against the FIT&ANGRY Party displays the worst kind of disregard for their rights and freedoms.”

Kindergartners at Public 990 in Hoboken acknowledge that the FIT&ANGRY Party has been making inroads in the thinking of adults but say they are more concerned about the Democrats approach to health care.  “We’ve considered the position that FIT&ANGRY has on politics in America and feel that they are a bunch of morons like those in the ACLU,” said Sidney Harris a 5 year old who dreams of having adult molars some day.  “They won’t get much traction.  But the Democrats want to nationalize healthcare and completely ignore the failed programs that other countries have who have gone that route.  What they say might sound good, but government bureaucracy to manage our health?  Heck I’ll be lucky if the Public School system can teach me how to read and write without being shot.  Now I should depend on them to keep me healthy?  I don’t think so.”

Bin Laden says he would like to debate the Republican and Democrat nominees next summer at a neutral site in Teheran.  Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would happily moderate the debate and Russian President Vladimir Putin said he’d keep an eye on things in the U.S. during the debate to make sure no one “was up to anything” while the potential leaders were away.

In other news, cats and dogs continue to fight but the Democrat National Committee has announced that peace will rein in the world once the U.S. is totally controlled by Democrats and a few FIT&ANGRY appointees provide balance.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Breaking News: Mickey Mouse is a squirrel

Outed as different rodent
Disney characters react with shock, distain

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 5, 2007

Animation geneticists from the University of Southern California announced today that Mickey Mouse is actually a miniature squirrel that is only able to talk with the aid of “voice talent”. Shocked Disney characters reacted by setting fire to several celluloid cells containing the famous characters early images and others said it would have been no big deal had Mickey admitted it on his own.

“I’m stunned and goooooly I jus jus don’t really know what to say or how to talk,” said Goofy a frequent Mickey costar who fought both squirrels and chipmunks with the character he thought was a mouse. “YowwieeeeeeeOhoohooo.”

Not everyone is surprised or upset. “It’s not a big deal to me,” said Donald Duck watching his nephews destroy several pieces of his furniture. “I’m a duck and he’s a rodent. Okay so he’s a different rodent than I thought. Why should I care? Now Daisy, she’s probably a wreck.”

Mickey Mouse is an Academy Award-winning cartoon character who has become an icon for The Walt Disney Company. The cartoon “mouse” has evolved from being simply a character in animated cartoons and comic strips to become one of the most recognizable symbols in the world. That may all change now.

“There’s no way children or their parents will be able to connect with Mickey Squirrel the way they could the mouse,” said Ziggy Malone an animation geneticist and part time psychotherapist for gerbils. “The whole M and M thing with Mickey and Mouse is obliterated by the squirrel context. When people learn the truth they’ll think back to how squirrelly Mickey has acted and how irregular his behavior around Minnie. This is going to tear apart the fabric of the universe as we know it and I’m not trying to understate this.”

In related news, J.K. Rowling announced that Harry Potter is actually a lizard and Margaret Mitchell said that Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara was a man in drag.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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