Breaking News: Mickey Mouse is a squirrel

Outed as different rodent
Disney characters react with shock, distain

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 5, 2007

Animation geneticists from the University of Southern California announced today that Mickey Mouse is actually a miniature squirrel that is only able to talk with the aid of “voice talent”. Shocked Disney characters reacted by setting fire to several celluloid cells containing the famous characters early images and others said it would have been no big deal had Mickey admitted it on his own.

“I’m stunned and goooooly I jus jus don’t really know what to say or how to talk,” said Goofy a frequent Mickey costar who fought both squirrels and chipmunks with the character he thought was a mouse. “YowwieeeeeeeOhoohooo.”

Not everyone is surprised or upset. “It’s not a big deal to me,” said Donald Duck watching his nephews destroy several pieces of his furniture. “I’m a duck and he’s a rodent. Okay so he’s a different rodent than I thought. Why should I care? Now Daisy, she’s probably a wreck.”

Mickey Mouse is an Academy Award-winning cartoon character who has become an icon for The Walt Disney Company. The cartoon “mouse” has evolved from being simply a character in animated cartoons and comic strips to become one of the most recognizable symbols in the world. That may all change now.

“There’s no way children or their parents will be able to connect with Mickey Squirrel the way they could the mouse,” said Ziggy Malone an animation geneticist and part time psychotherapist for gerbils. “The whole M and M thing with Mickey and Mouse is obliterated by the squirrel context. When people learn the truth they’ll think back to how squirrelly Mickey has acted and how irregular his behavior around Minnie. This is going to tear apart the fabric of the universe as we know it and I’m not trying to understate this.”

In related news, J.K. Rowling announced that Harry Potter is actually a lizard and Margaret Mitchell said that Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara was a man in drag.

© 2007

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