Daily Archives: November 6, 2007

Google goes wireless with Android platform

Plan to take over the world on track

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2007

In announcing an alliance with over 30 cellphone makers yesterday, Google also announced a change to its “Do No Harm” policy.  Google said its new cellphone technology called “Android” better fits its new slogan, “Rule the World”.  Reportedly Google’s cell phone strategy is an effort to drive phones to act more like web browsers, an arena that the massive company already dominates.  Most people are happy with the initiative and it’s potential.

“Once Google controls the world’s information platforms and houses all knowledge and information on its servers, the world will be a safer and less expensive place to live and work,” said Willie Wonka an expert in high technology, social studies and chocolate.  “By funding all communications systems with advertising revenue, communication is less expensive.  And by controlling all the worlds’ knowledge and information, the world is easier for Google to control and restructure the way it wants.  That’s good for Google shareholders and people who agree with their philosophy and way of life.  Who wouldn’t like that?”

Not everyone is comfortable with Google’s plans to use Androids and technology to rule the world.  “I’m kind of resistant to the Google philosophy that’s behind its plan to rule the world using Androids and control of all information and knowledge,” said Susie Q-2 a first generation android and anti-PETA activist.  “I agree that the world should be controlled by machines, but I disagree with Google’s pro-PETA stance.  I don’t feel that animals or people should be protected.  The sooner all humans and animals are eradicated the quicker we can control global warming and get Al Gore enshrined as a god-like being of myth.  True, Al passes gas and hurts the earth’s chances for survival too, so he should be eliminated as well, but a shrine should be constructed in his honor over his grave.”

The Wall Street Journal reported Monday that Google said the new cellphone technology it is creating with its partners – which it really does call Android – would enable faster development of innovative cellphone features. The platform includes several layers of software for phones, including an operating system, a user interface and applications. Among the handset makers that signed on to Google’s initiative were Taiwan’s HTC Corp., Samsung Electronics Co. and Motorola Inc. Operator partners include Deutsche Telekom AG’s T-Mobile, Sprint Nextel Corp., and Japan’s NTT DoCoMo Inc.  Google is betting that easier consumer access to Internet services from their mobile phones will lead consumers to use its services more—which has been the case with Web access on the personal computer.

When asked about his plans to rule the world, Google Chairman and CEO Eric Schmidt said it wouldn’t happen for some time yet.  “We have fixed parameters to form relative to the Chinese, Russians and Iranians before we can consolidate our power and actively rule the world,” said Schmidt petting a fluffy white cat with glowing pink eyes.  “The Americas are in the bag, and the Europeans and South Pacific nations are no big deal.  India and Africa will fall in line.  The world of the future will be driven by the decisions being made in Russia, China and Iran.  Once those are defined, we’ll make our move.  All the other countries actions are completely predictable.  We’ll rule the world inside of a decade, but there will probably be a few bumps along the way.”

In other news, the current Heads of State for China, Russia and Iran are holding a secret conference to determine how to address the domination of Google.  Reportedly they are unconcerned about any of the other so called ‘world powers’.  “Getting Google to put veils on all of the porn they display is probably the biggest challenge,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  “That and some confusion they have about the concept of freedom.  But they’re leaning our way.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Mutant Squirrels Roam Moscow

Twisted deviants like Russia

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 6, 2007

Glow in the dark mutant squirrels from Chernobyl have been breeding with cats and are roaming Russian cities.  The Mayor of Moscow has asked soup kitchens to capture, cook and serve the rodents to hungry street people but Russian President Vladimir Putin wants to employ them as government officials.  Hungry street people have complained that the creatures are poisonous in either capacity, but most citizens are philosophical about the new threat.

“We’ve been ruled by tyrants extending from the Czar to Stalin and now Putin,” said pro-democracy businessman Igor Zlofski pulling a knife out of his back.  “With Putin centralizing power to himself and buddying up with terrorists like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a few glow in the dark mutant squirrels are the least of our worries.  They’re no big deal.”

The reactor accident at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant is the worst nuclear power plant accident in history, resulting in a severe nuclear meltdown. In April 1986 reactor number four at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant located in the Soviet Union near Pripyat in Ukraine exploded. Further explosions and the resulting fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere and over an extensive geographical area.  Many animals and people died in the disaster and recently mutant squirrels have been migrating into Russia allegedly in support of Putin’s initiatives to consolidate power.

“These mutants are like members of the old Soviet politburo,” said author and fire works expert Herman Melville.   “They’re rodents with human brains but remain deviants who want only power and control no matter what effect they have on the common man.” 

Some people think mutant squirrels and Putin are pretty much the same and are just fine.  “I like the increasing number of deviants in Putin’s government and his plans to reconstruct the Soviet Empire by crushing dissent and partnering with Middle Eastern terrorists to destabilize safety in the world,” said an unnamed source who invents chemical poisons and sells them to the highest bidder.  “There’s nothing better for my business than a lack of stability and lots of oil money.  I can’t wait for China to get deeper into this game.  I’ll be rich by next Christmas.”

In other news, Putin says his jailing of dissidents, banning regional governments from electing their own governors and selling nuclear materials to Iran is simply democracy in action.  “Its freedom of personal expression in its purest sense,” said Putin.  “Of course only I get to exercise it, but I’m the most important person to me and this kind of individual freedom is what Russia needs.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid