Mutant Squirrels Roam Moscow

Twisted deviants like Russia

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 6, 2007

Glow in the dark mutant squirrels from Chernobyl have been breeding with cats and are roaming Russian cities.  The Mayor of Moscow has asked soup kitchens to capture, cook and serve the rodents to hungry street people but Russian President Vladimir Putin wants to employ them as government officials.  Hungry street people have complained that the creatures are poisonous in either capacity, but most citizens are philosophical about the new threat.

“We’ve been ruled by tyrants extending from the Czar to Stalin and now Putin,” said pro-democracy businessman Igor Zlofski pulling a knife out of his back.  “With Putin centralizing power to himself and buddying up with terrorists like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a few glow in the dark mutant squirrels are the least of our worries.  They’re no big deal.”

The reactor accident at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant is the worst nuclear power plant accident in history, resulting in a severe nuclear meltdown. In April 1986 reactor number four at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant located in the Soviet Union near Pripyat in Ukraine exploded. Further explosions and the resulting fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere and over an extensive geographical area.  Many animals and people died in the disaster and recently mutant squirrels have been migrating into Russia allegedly in support of Putin’s initiatives to consolidate power.

“These mutants are like members of the old Soviet politburo,” said author and fire works expert Herman Melville.   “They’re rodents with human brains but remain deviants who want only power and control no matter what effect they have on the common man.” 

Some people think mutant squirrels and Putin are pretty much the same and are just fine.  “I like the increasing number of deviants in Putin’s government and his plans to reconstruct the Soviet Empire by crushing dissent and partnering with Middle Eastern terrorists to destabilize safety in the world,” said an unnamed source who invents chemical poisons and sells them to the highest bidder.  “There’s nothing better for my business than a lack of stability and lots of oil money.  I can’t wait for China to get deeper into this game.  I’ll be rich by next Christmas.”

In other news, Putin says his jailing of dissidents, banning regional governments from electing their own governors and selling nuclear materials to Iran is simply democracy in action.  “Its freedom of personal expression in its purest sense,” said Putin.  “Of course only I get to exercise it, but I’m the most important person to me and this kind of individual freedom is what Russia needs.”

© 2007

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