Most funding spent on booze
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 7, 2007
A recent study by the University of Underarm Deodorant concluded that results of studies are suspect and that most researchers spend their funds on booze and party favors. Scientists argue that party favors are needed to keep experts upbeat while evaluating boring details. Still others say booze is a necessary component in every study since it enables dull professors to get boys and babes and perpetuate their species lest they die out. Some researchers question the validity of the study.
“Any study that says studies are inaccurate gives me the impression of inaccuracy,” said Horsy Harrison, a scientist famous for nose hair research. “I failed to get funding for that study so I think it’s worthless. The researchers who got the money didn’t spend nearly enough on Wild Turkey and the fact is no good researcher will approach a study without plenty of hard stuff. I know that some people won’t want to hear me say that, but it’s the truth. It’s what keeps us from completely losing our minds and even then we’re walking the edge of Nutsville daily.”
Nutsville Daily is a newspaper that reports on scientific research with sidebars on booze, boys and babes. Scientists like its edgy coverage of news about researcher’s sexual exploits while studying things like potato genes and duck feathers. Many stories include information about research parties involving scantly clad researchers of both sexes. Debate among the scientific community has raged about how many researchers actually have both sexes with some saying 50 percent are both male and female, while others say it’s as high as 90 percent. No one knows for sure but the Federal Government is considering funding a study to determine what the “facts are”.
Reportedly “Facts Are” is the name of an undercover CIA agent who disappeared while being researched by scientists who were being paid only with beer and visits by an escort service. The words “facts are” have been thrown around a lot among scientific circles and confusion over whether the reference is to the CIA agent or facts within some of the studies or whether they’re used simply to confuse are still being debated.
In related news it’s being reported that there is news related to most topics but it often goes unreported.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com