Daily Archives: November 8, 2007

Britney Spears to host TV parenting show

Will pay X-Hubby $120k from earnings

Inebriated Press
November 8, 2007

NBC Television and Britney Spears agent are in negotiations to bring the pop star into the reality television scene.  And this week a judge ordered Spears to pay her former husband Kevin Federline the sum of $120,000 for his legal fees for both the custody battle and divorce.  Federline retains full custody of both children and the divorce has been a high-profile legal battle ever since. Spears has only visiting rights and must have a court-ordered monitor present when she has the children. But she’s upbeat about the new television show she’s been offered.

“I’m really looking forward to the NBC TV deal and hosting a parenting program called ‘Ignore Problems and They’ll Go Away’,” said Spears rinsing her mouth with Jack Daniels and tossing a pair of panties out the window.  “It’ll be a kind of reality show with me walking around the house mostly nude and giving people advice on how to teach their kids to walk and stuff.”

With television writers on strike, NBC Television has been turning over rocks looking for content and found Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears.  O’Donnell is known for outlandish statements that she actually believes — like 9-11 was a conspiracy of the US government, fire can’t melt steel, Christians are the same as radical Muslims, etcetera — so NBC wants her to have a talk show.  And Britney who has been wandering Hollywood at all hours of the day drunk, drugged up and photographed in public without underwear, will host a new parenting program.

“It’s a brilliant strategy that will take NBC back to the top,” said media analyst and investor George Soros pausing to mail a box of cash to Socialist Party USA.  “When a company ties its own social philosophy together with its programming and promotes it within society as tightly as NBC is doing here, you get a synergy that doesn’t exist if you’re just making stuff up.  This is the kind of approach that gets more powerful and effective because it’s believed in from the top down.”

But not everyone thinks it’s a good thing.  TV host and general wet blanket, Bill O’Reilly of Fox News is one such person.  “I’ve seen major media do a lot of dumb shit in my day,” said O’Reilly busily writing his own content and chuckling about the writers strike.  “But NBC taking ragamuffins like these and putting them on primetime is like putting real donkeys in charge of the U.S. Congress.  What a minute, maybe they are.  Shoot.”

In related news, NBC has also announced plans to air a program hosted by former president Bill Clinton called “Ethics, Blue Dresses and the Oval Office”.  Reportedly it will highlight ways to do what you want because you can, and still retain popular public opinion.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Britney Spears Nominated for U.S. Attorney General

Promises to ban surfboarding of terrorist suspects

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 8, 2007

Under pressure by Democrat leaders in the House and Senate President George W. Bush has nominated Britney Spears for the office of Attorney General.  Bush said he didn’t feel Spears was the most qualified candidate but that he needed to “trade” with the Democrats to keep them from firebombing the White House.  Spears has said she will accept the nomination and is against the use of surfboarding terrorist suspects to get information from them.  Reportedly she believes that such activity constitutes torture and Democrats feel the same.  Not everyone understands what’s going on.

“I’m confused and can’t figure out what’s happened to U.S. government officials,” said Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States.  “If I were alive today I’d be appealing to the American people to elect sane individuals to public office.  As it is I’m dead and spinning in my grave like some kind of gyroscope, and that’s darned uncomfortable even for a dead guy.”

Recently Democrat leaders have opposed frightening captured terrorists into providing intelligence about al Qaeda by using a technique called “waterboarding”.  Waterboarding is a form of controlled drowning used to extract information.  It consists of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of some of it.  This elicits the gag reflex and gives the sensation of drowning.  In contrast to submerging the head, waterboarding can make the subject believe death is imminent while leaving no actual physical damage.  A number of Democrats feel that making terrorists uncomfortable isn’t nice and the U.S. should send them to summer camps instead.

“I’m shocked and dismayed to think that Americans would resort to using discomfort to make people who believe in blowing up women and children tell us about their plans to behead U.S. soldiers,” said Senator Nancy Pelosi handing a cake with a file in it to a jailed terrorist.  “The Bush administration is so unreasonable about this that it has taken sensible Democrats threatening to firebomb the White House to get the president to accept Britney Spears as the next U.S. Attorney General.  Finally we’ll infuse some common sense into this administration.”

In other news, Republicans report that graham crackers contain no crust but Democrats were quick to respond by saying the Republicans were twisting the facts to fit their views and that such comments could constitute coercion of flour based products.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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