Promises to ban surfboarding of terrorist suspects
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 8, 2007
Under pressure by Democrat leaders in the House and Senate President George W. Bush has nominated Britney Spears for the office of Attorney General. Bush said he didn’t feel Spears was the most qualified candidate but that he needed to “trade” with the Democrats to keep them from firebombing the White House. Spears has said she will accept the nomination and is against the use of surfboarding terrorist suspects to get information from them. Reportedly she believes that such activity constitutes torture and Democrats feel the same. Not everyone understands what’s going on.
“I’m confused and can’t figure out what’s happened to U.S. government officials,” said Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States. “If I were alive today I’d be appealing to the American people to elect sane individuals to public office. As it is I’m dead and spinning in my grave like some kind of gyroscope, and that’s darned uncomfortable even for a dead guy.”
Recently Democrat leaders have opposed frightening captured terrorists into providing intelligence about al Qaeda by using a technique called “waterboarding”. Waterboarding is a form of controlled drowning used to extract information. It consists of immobilizing an individual on his or her back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over the face to force the inhalation of some of it. This elicits the gag reflex and gives the sensation of drowning. In contrast to submerging the head, waterboarding can make the subject believe death is imminent while leaving no actual physical damage. A number of Democrats feel that making terrorists uncomfortable isn’t nice and the U.S. should send them to summer camps instead.
“I’m shocked and dismayed to think that Americans would resort to using discomfort to make people who believe in blowing up women and children tell us about their plans to behead U.S. soldiers,” said Senator Nancy Pelosi handing a cake with a file in it to a jailed terrorist. “The Bush administration is so unreasonable about this that it has taken sensible Democrats threatening to firebomb the White House to get the president to accept Britney Spears as the next U.S. Attorney General. Finally we’ll infuse some common sense into this administration.”
In other news, Republicans report that graham crackers contain no crust but Democrats were quick to respond by saying the Republicans were twisting the facts to fit their views and that such comments could constitute coercion of flour based products.
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