Daily Archives: November 9, 2007

China Helps Date-Rape U.S. Kids

Communists urge: don’t worry, be happy

Inebriated Press
November 9, 2007

U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain the so-called date-rape drug (gamma-hydroxy butyrate or GHB).  Children who swallowed Aqua Dots “become comatose, develop respiratory depression, or have seizures,” the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) warned in a statement issued Wednesday.  Angry Chinese officials said the U.S. was picking on them and have threatened to stop carrying trillions of dollars in U.S. debt thereby bankrupting the country.

“The U.S. is constantly complaining about our use of antifreeze chemicals in toothpaste we sell to them, as well as some minor poisons in feed that killed a few of their pets,” said Cindy Lu a former Dr Seuss character who is now a Chinese health official in charge of food safety and toxic waste disposal.  “Americans are such whiners.  With the world so overpopulated what’s a few kids’ lives?  Heck Americans abort thousands each year anyway.” 

U.S. consumers don’t appreciate the Chinese cavalier attitude even if we’ve outsourced most of our manufacturing to them and are becoming dependent on them for daily essentials.  “We’ve kind of forgotten that the Chinese are low-life communists who suppress their citizens and want to crush Western capitalists,” said Martha Vineyard, a short muscular woman named after a popular area in the Northeastern U.S.  “There was a time when the U.S. was uncomfortable with stuff that Communists foisted on the world and all their human rights abuses.  I guess we kind of like the concept of slave labor creating cheap unregulated goods for us, until it started poisoning us.  We’ve traded control of our health, economy and manufacturing to the Chinese in exchange for cheap and risky junk.  Still they should talk nice to us, right?”

Not everyone is bothered by the ease of access to date rape drugs.  “This stuff is terrific,” said Guy Springstein a 13 year old attending a Maine middle school.  “Now that our school gives out birth control to 11 and 12 year old girls, I can screw them without getting them knocked up.  Some of them don’t want to do it, but it’s natural if they wear Aqua Dots bead necklaces they’ll sometimes put them in their mouth.  Once they’re disoriented I can do what I want – kind of like China has done to the U.S.  I’ve been handing them out to all the cute girls at school this week.  You can bet I’m in for a wild time come Saturday!”

The recall of Aqua Dots, distributed by Toronto-based Spin Master Ltd., follows the withdrawal of millions of consumer products made in China and Mexico over concerns about high- levels of lead and toxic chemicals.  Also yesterday, Marvel Entertainment Inc. said it was voluntarily recalling 110,000 Curious George dolls made in China after tests found lead levels exceeding federal limits. On Nov. 6, Mattel Inc. asked consumers to stop using 196,000 kitchen toys made in Mexico because small pieces may pose a choking hazard to children.

In related news, U.S. importers say that allowing the Chinese to do whatever they want is important to good trade relations and maintaining world peace.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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11 year-old wins birth control and free trip to Vegas

Maine spelling bee winner happy with outcome
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 9, 2007

Susie Thompson the 11 year old winner of Portland Middle School’s spelling bee was awarded with birth control patches and a free trip to Las Vegas this week.  School officials said Susie successfully spelled the word “contraception” and won the free trip and prizes.  Reportedly she’ll travel with her thirteen year old boyfriend who recently broke up with a teacher over how long recesses should last.  Maine school officials say this years prizes were provided by Ortho Evra, maker of the birth control patch and by the Las Vegas Tourism Board.  All the kids wore yellow T-shirts that said, “What Happens in Las Vegas is Controlled by the Patch”.  Not everyone thinks schools should be handing out Ortho Ovary Patch Stick’ems (OOPS) to eleven year olds.

“I wasn’t having sex until I was a mature 14 year old,” said Jenni Jameson, currently a 10th grade student and mother of two.  “I think it’s important for kids to wait until they’re more mature and able to distinguish between 13 and 16 teen year old boys.  I probably could have used some OOPS myself though.”

After an outbreak of pregnancies among middle school girls, education officials in Portland Maine decided to allow a school health center to make birth control pills and patches available to girls as young as 11.  Treatment is confidential under state law, which allows the students to decide whether to inform their parents about the services they receive.  Las Vegas officials say it’s a positive trend and are encouraged to see the public school system providing birth control and encouraging gambling at a young age.

“Americans have gambled and had sex for centuries, but many have had to wait until they were adults,” said Buzzy Rigosci a Current Resident with no discernable fingerprints.  “It’s high time that taxpayer funded programs like middle schools start encouraging children to start gambling and having sex early in life.  It’s this kind of progress that people like Susan B. Anthony, Thomas Jefferson and Helen Keller fought and died for.”

In related news, the U.S. Congress surprised the Bush Administration today by introducing legislation allowing children as young as 9 years of age to smoke and drink alcohol.  Reportedly they were responding to requests by grade school children who feel that since they are old enough to have obligations like school work that they should be allowed access to tobacco and fermented beverages.  The Bill will allow Jack Daniels and Old Style to supply school vending machines and Marlboro and Camel cigarettes will also be made available.  The new products will have to be placed in additional vending machines since the current ones already dispense soda, potato chips, condoms, birth control and 9 mm Remington cartridges.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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