Maine spelling bee winner happy with outcome
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 9, 2007
Susie Thompson the 11 year old winner of Portland Middle School’s spelling bee was awarded with birth control patches and a free trip to Las Vegas this week. School officials said Susie successfully spelled the word “contraception” and won the free trip and prizes. Reportedly she’ll travel with her thirteen year old boyfriend who recently broke up with a teacher over how long recesses should last. Maine school officials say this years prizes were provided by Ortho Evra, maker of the birth control patch and by the Las Vegas Tourism Board. All the kids wore yellow T-shirts that said, “What Happens in Las Vegas is Controlled by the Patch”. Not everyone thinks schools should be handing out Ortho Ovary Patch Stick’ems (OOPS) to eleven year olds.
“I wasn’t having sex until I was a mature 14 year old,” said Jenni Jameson, currently a 10th grade student and mother of two. “I think it’s important for kids to wait until they’re more mature and able to distinguish between 13 and 16 teen year old boys. I probably could have used some OOPS myself though.”
After an outbreak of pregnancies among middle school girls, education officials in Portland Maine decided to allow a school health center to make birth control pills and patches available to girls as young as 11. Treatment is confidential under state law, which allows the students to decide whether to inform their parents about the services they receive. Las Vegas officials say it’s a positive trend and are encouraged to see the public school system providing birth control and encouraging gambling at a young age.
“Americans have gambled and had sex for centuries, but many have had to wait until they were adults,” said Buzzy Rigosci a Current Resident with no discernable fingerprints. “It’s high time that taxpayer funded programs like middle schools start encouraging children to start gambling and having sex early in life. It’s this kind of progress that people like Susan B. Anthony, Thomas Jefferson and Helen Keller fought and died for.”
In related news, the U.S. Congress surprised the Bush Administration today by introducing legislation allowing children as young as 9 years of age to smoke and drink alcohol. Reportedly they were responding to requests by grade school children who feel that since they are old enough to have obligations like school work that they should be allowed access to tobacco and fermented beverages. The Bill will allow Jack Daniels and Old Style to supply school vending machines and Marlboro and Camel cigarettes will also be made available. The new products will have to be placed in additional vending machines since the current ones already dispense soda, potato chips, condoms, birth control and 9 mm Remington cartridges.
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