China Helps Date-Rape U.S. Kids

Communists urge: don’t worry, be happy

Inebriated Press
November 9, 2007

U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain the so-called date-rape drug (gamma-hydroxy butyrate or GHB).  Children who swallowed Aqua Dots “become comatose, develop respiratory depression, or have seizures,” the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) warned in a statement issued Wednesday.  Angry Chinese officials said the U.S. was picking on them and have threatened to stop carrying trillions of dollars in U.S. debt thereby bankrupting the country.

“The U.S. is constantly complaining about our use of antifreeze chemicals in toothpaste we sell to them, as well as some minor poisons in feed that killed a few of their pets,” said Cindy Lu a former Dr Seuss character who is now a Chinese health official in charge of food safety and toxic waste disposal.  “Americans are such whiners.  With the world so overpopulated what’s a few kids’ lives?  Heck Americans abort thousands each year anyway.” 

U.S. consumers don’t appreciate the Chinese cavalier attitude even if we’ve outsourced most of our manufacturing to them and are becoming dependent on them for daily essentials.  “We’ve kind of forgotten that the Chinese are low-life communists who suppress their citizens and want to crush Western capitalists,” said Martha Vineyard, a short muscular woman named after a popular area in the Northeastern U.S.  “There was a time when the U.S. was uncomfortable with stuff that Communists foisted on the world and all their human rights abuses.  I guess we kind of like the concept of slave labor creating cheap unregulated goods for us, until it started poisoning us.  We’ve traded control of our health, economy and manufacturing to the Chinese in exchange for cheap and risky junk.  Still they should talk nice to us, right?”

Not everyone is bothered by the ease of access to date rape drugs.  “This stuff is terrific,” said Guy Springstein a 13 year old attending a Maine middle school.  “Now that our school gives out birth control to 11 and 12 year old girls, I can screw them without getting them knocked up.  Some of them don’t want to do it, but it’s natural if they wear Aqua Dots bead necklaces they’ll sometimes put them in their mouth.  Once they’re disoriented I can do what I want – kind of like China has done to the U.S.  I’ve been handing them out to all the cute girls at school this week.  You can bet I’m in for a wild time come Saturday!”

The recall of Aqua Dots, distributed by Toronto-based Spin Master Ltd., follows the withdrawal of millions of consumer products made in China and Mexico over concerns about high- levels of lead and toxic chemicals.  Also yesterday, Marvel Entertainment Inc. said it was voluntarily recalling 110,000 Curious George dolls made in China after tests found lead levels exceeding federal limits. On Nov. 6, Mattel Inc. asked consumers to stop using 196,000 kitchen toys made in Mexico because small pieces may pose a choking hazard to children.

In related news, U.S. importers say that allowing the Chinese to do whatever they want is important to good trade relations and maintaining world peace.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on China Helps Date-Rape U.S. Kids

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.