Daily Archives: November 12, 2007

Abstinence talk not stopping sex or nukes

Sex and violence more fun

Inebriated Press
November 12, 2007

A study released last week indicates that programs focusing exclusively on encouraging abstinence have done little to reduce teenage sexual activity or Iranian nuclear ambition.  More comprehensive sex education programs show an ability to delay the initiation of sex, and a 1981 Israeli air strike on the Iraqi Osiraq nuclear facility crippled that countries effort to obtain nuclear weapons.  Debate is raging today over what to do in order to stop American youth and the Iranian president from screwing around and messing up.

“If we can put a man on the moon and a missile in a silo, there’s got to be a way to stop young people from humping and Iran from f***ing us like hookers at Mardi Gras,” said Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak loading his pistol with 9 mm hollow points.  “Encouraging abstinence isn’t doing the trick.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said he wants Israel wiped off the face of the earth and ‘gets off’ thinking about it.  I’m inclined to stop him if no one else will.”

The Iranian president’s announcement last week that Iran had 3,000 centrifuges fully working in its uranium enrichment program raised fears in Washington that Israel would respond to the statement with a preemptive military strike, the London Times reported.  And a study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy found that while abstinence-only efforts had little positive impact, more comprehensive sex education programs were having ‘positive outcomes’ including teenagers ‘delaying the initiation of sex, reducing the frequency of sex, reducing the number of sexual partners and increasing condom or contraceptive use’.  But not everyone wants to stop sex and violence.

“Now that General Electric, our parent company, has said we can’t pay Rosie O’Donnell millions to trash America and talk up the benefits of Islamofascism, it looks like nuclear holocaust and unabated sex would be best for NBC News,” said Jeff Zucker the NBC CEO, shuffling packets of condoms like playing cards.  “People tend to like sex and violence but NBC hasn’t been able to sell it in fictional form so maybe we can get better ratings if we just report it in real life.  I’m sure advertisers would buy in.  We at NBC are warming to Ahmadinejad. “

The Iranian president has publicly stated that he wants Israel and the United States crushed and the West subdued.  That sentiment plays well with Russia and China, both of whom have been feeding Ahmadinejad’s ambitions.  Russia has been selling Iran nuclear material for several years and are active in the country constructing nuclear reactors.  China recently completed the sale of fighter jets to Iran based on Israeli technology that China borrowed. 

“If we keep going the way we’re going, we’re going to wind up where we’re headed,” said nuclear holocaust and sexual tension expert Ho SheeIt popping a placebo and washing it down with Aquafina tap water.  “At least that’s how history has been playing out.”

In other news, medicinal marijuana is becoming more popular among members of Congress with most Democrats citing discomfort with current world trends and the need for ‘prescriptions’.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Breaking News: Adolph Hitler Was a Woman

Investigators discover estrogen in bunker

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 12, 2007

Inebriated investigative reporters have discovered that German leader and Dictator Adolph Hitler was actually a woman pretending to be a man and on occasions a human being.  Secret tests on the burned out bunker where Hitler met her fate have found high levels of estrogen present and indicate that Eva Braun and Adolph Hitler were both women.  Nazi historians say the new revelation “blows the lid off” of history and that now documents stating Hitler went berserk after being jilted by a Jewish tailor named Izzy begin to make more sense.  Not everyone views the new discovery as accurate or ground breaking.

“Anyone who says Hitler was a woman is full of shit,” said Arnold Toynbee a historian who passed away in 1975.  “While I hate to admit he was of my gender, the fact remains that Hitler was a guy.  A little on the gay side probably and confused about sex, genetics, the nature of life and clearly deprived of common sense.  But alas, a guy just the same.”

Investigators said that estrogen tracking Geiger Counters never lie and that they clearly show high levels of estrogen are present in an area suspected to have been the bunker hiding Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun while the Allies closed in on them.  That or it’s the place where a field of mares have been urinating under a tree at the edge of a pasture.  Either way, the investigators are certain of female presence near the area and have shaken off arguments that no estrogen tracking Geiger Counters exist and other bothersome facts.  They remain staunch in their conclusions.

“Me and Bob stayed at the bar until almost 3 this morning examining the facts and slamming whiskey shots and we’re still convinced that Hitler had involvement in one of the Wars,” said an Inebriated investigative reporter who refused to give his name, fearing publicity.  “That’s enough to prove to us that she was a woman alright.  Damned fascist bitch with a glued on mustache and flat chested and ugly as hell.  No wonder she was so pissed off at the world after the Jewish tailor dumped her.”

In other news, historian Arnold Toynbee remains dead and refuses to speculate on whether Hillary Clinton is actually a man and if that’s the reason Bill Clinton did what he did with interns in the Oval Office.  “She waxes her upper lip,” admitted Toynbee.  “But that in itself doesn’t define what’s going on here.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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