Abstinence talk not stopping sex or nukes

Sex and violence more fun

Inebriated Press
November 12, 2007

A study released last week indicates that programs focusing exclusively on encouraging abstinence have done little to reduce teenage sexual activity or Iranian nuclear ambition.  More comprehensive sex education programs show an ability to delay the initiation of sex, and a 1981 Israeli air strike on the Iraqi Osiraq nuclear facility crippled that countries effort to obtain nuclear weapons.  Debate is raging today over what to do in order to stop American youth and the Iranian president from screwing around and messing up.

“If we can put a man on the moon and a missile in a silo, there’s got to be a way to stop young people from humping and Iran from f***ing us like hookers at Mardi Gras,” said Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak loading his pistol with 9 mm hollow points.  “Encouraging abstinence isn’t doing the trick.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said he wants Israel wiped off the face of the earth and ‘gets off’ thinking about it.  I’m inclined to stop him if no one else will.”

The Iranian president’s announcement last week that Iran had 3,000 centrifuges fully working in its uranium enrichment program raised fears in Washington that Israel would respond to the statement with a preemptive military strike, the London Times reported.  And a study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy found that while abstinence-only efforts had little positive impact, more comprehensive sex education programs were having ‘positive outcomes’ including teenagers ‘delaying the initiation of sex, reducing the frequency of sex, reducing the number of sexual partners and increasing condom or contraceptive use’.  But not everyone wants to stop sex and violence.

“Now that General Electric, our parent company, has said we can’t pay Rosie O’Donnell millions to trash America and talk up the benefits of Islamofascism, it looks like nuclear holocaust and unabated sex would be best for NBC News,” said Jeff Zucker the NBC CEO, shuffling packets of condoms like playing cards.  “People tend to like sex and violence but NBC hasn’t been able to sell it in fictional form so maybe we can get better ratings if we just report it in real life.  I’m sure advertisers would buy in.  We at NBC are warming to Ahmadinejad. “

The Iranian president has publicly stated that he wants Israel and the United States crushed and the West subdued.  That sentiment plays well with Russia and China, both of whom have been feeding Ahmadinejad’s ambitions.  Russia has been selling Iran nuclear material for several years and are active in the country constructing nuclear reactors.  China recently completed the sale of fighter jets to Iran based on Israeli technology that China borrowed. 

“If we keep going the way we’re going, we’re going to wind up where we’re headed,” said nuclear holocaust and sexual tension expert Ho SheeIt popping a placebo and washing it down with Aquafina tap water.  “At least that’s how history has been playing out.”

In other news, medicinal marijuana is becoming more popular among members of Congress with most Democrats citing discomfort with current world trends and the need for ‘prescriptions’.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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