Daily Archives: November 13, 2007

U.S. plans to drop fish on Iran

Fish linked to mental skills, much needed in Middle East

Inebriated Press
November 13, 2007

A Norwegian study published in the November issue of the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition says there’s a link between eating fish and improved mental skills.  A moment after the magazine hit the stands the U.S. Congress passed a bill authorizing the U.S. Defense Department in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Agriculture to airlift tons of fish to Iran for free distribution.  It’s hoped that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who has denied that the Holocaust ever happened and wants to “wipe Israel off the map” with nuclear weapons and crush the West, will eat some and wise up.

“Based on the diarrhea that the Iranian leader has been spewing, it’s clear that he’s full of shit and not fish,” said an unnamed source from an urn in the U.S. House of Representatives.  “Now that the Norwegians have determined there’s a direct link between fish and mental health, we’re on a mission of pure benevolence.  If fish can get one of Ahmadinejad’s brain cells to fire once or twice, maybe the cloud of idiocy surrounding his cranium will clear just long enough for him to realize what a dumb ass he is.  We can only hope.”

But not everyone thinks that fish can save the world from Iranian nuclear ambition and a future full of Islamofascist leaders distributing bombs and beheading people who love freedom.  “Stick all the fish up the guys ass you want, it’s not penetrating his skull,” said historian and muscle builder Dave Schnabel, CEO of Gold’s Gym.  “This guy needs a complete nutrition and exercise program that he’ll stick to.  That and probably a lobotomy, but first things first.”

The Norwegian study, which was conducted by researchers from the University of Oslo found that those participants who ate more than 10 grams (a third of an ounce) of seafood a day scored significantly higher in cognitive performance tests than those who ate less.  The effect was strongest for non-processed lean fish and fatty fish, said researchers.

“The Americans are always coming up with crazy ideas about peace because they disregard the teachings of my mullahs who wish to kill them,” said the Iranian president cursing free love and fish.  “I will continue to eat goat heads while providing arms and money to those who behead democracy loving infidels deserving only death.  God willing.  I will eat no fish and continue to nuzzle my AK 47, a natural expression of love for Russian president Putin’s efforts at dictatorship and power.  He’s a kindred spirit of mine.  He doesn’t like fish either.”

In related news, Norwegians say that even if Iran’s president does eat fish it may only increase his mental capacity to that of a basic idiot, up from a complete moron.  Still, most leaders in the West think dropping fish on Ahmadinejad is worth a shot.  Pun intended.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

 

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Bill Gates arrested in nude romp on Apple campus

Apple employees traumatized

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 13, 2007

Microsoft founder and billionaire Bill Gates was arrested late yesterday afternoon for running naked across Apple Campus in Cupertino California.  Reportedly Gates told police it was for “old times sake” a reference to the 1980’s when he and Apple CEO Steve Jobs would jog nude and then skinny dip in randomly selected suburban swimming pools.  Several Apple workers were hospitalized for shock and one claimed that Gates was shouting “death to tyrants,” apparently comparing Jobs to Abraham Lincoln.  Lincoln’s killer John Wilkes Booth shouted those words after shooting him in Ford’s Theatre in 1865.  Detectives are looking into the Gates “streaking” incident.

“The man we arrested claimed to be Gates, but I honestly can’t say for sure it was him,” said police Captain Thomas Jefferson a former president of the United States who became a police officer shortly after his death in 1826.  “Since he was naked he wasn’t carrying any ID.  He had a Microsoft tattoo on one shoulder and one of Marilyn Monroe on the other so it is highly likely it was Gates.”

Others don’t think it was the billionaire and doubt that he would run without clothing after turning 50.  “Bill’s not the kind of card player who runs naked these days, “said card-playing buddy Warren Buffett, burping up a thousand dollars worth of gold coins and putting them into his pocket.  “We stopped playing strip poker and turned to bridge a couple of years ago.  Bill’s gotten kind of touchy about his body and even wears underwear with $100 bill patterns on them so he stays attractive to his wife Melinda.  He’s never worked out you know.  He’s not much to look at.”

In other news Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson met for coffee at Starbucks last week and discussed the lack of common sense currently in American politics.  “People thought Mary Todd was a nut job,” Abe reportedly said.  “But this Hillary woman, she’s a real piece of work.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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