Apple employees traumatized
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 13, 2007
Microsoft founder and billionaire Bill Gates was arrested late yesterday afternoon for running naked across Apple Campus in Cupertino California. Reportedly Gates told police it was for “old times sake” a reference to the 1980’s when he and Apple CEO Steve Jobs would jog nude and then skinny dip in randomly selected suburban swimming pools. Several Apple workers were hospitalized for shock and one claimed that Gates was shouting “death to tyrants,” apparently comparing Jobs to Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln’s killer John Wilkes Booth shouted those words after shooting him in Ford’s Theatre in 1865. Detectives are looking into the Gates “streaking” incident.
“The man we arrested claimed to be Gates, but I honestly can’t say for sure it was him,” said police Captain Thomas Jefferson a former president of the United States who became a police officer shortly after his death in 1826. “Since he was naked he wasn’t carrying any ID. He had a Microsoft tattoo on one shoulder and one of Marilyn Monroe on the other so it is highly likely it was Gates.”
Others don’t think it was the billionaire and doubt that he would run without clothing after turning 50. “Bill’s not the kind of card player who runs naked these days, “said card-playing buddy Warren Buffett, burping up a thousand dollars worth of gold coins and putting them into his pocket. “We stopped playing strip poker and turned to bridge a couple of years ago. Bill’s gotten kind of touchy about his body and even wears underwear with $100 bill patterns on them so he stays attractive to his wife Melinda. He’s never worked out you know. He’s not much to look at.”
In other news Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson met for coffee at Starbucks last week and discussed the lack of common sense currently in American politics. “People thought Mary Todd was a nut job,” Abe reportedly said. “But this Hillary woman, she’s a real piece of work.”
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com