Daily Archives: November 14, 2007

U.S. struggles to detect danger from China in food, toys and military

Chinese submarine surprises Americans
Asleep at all the switches

Inebriated Press
November 14, 2007

An undetected Chinese submarine surfaced in the middle of a major U.S. Navy exercise in the Pacific Ocean last week.  Senior NATO officials said that U.S. officials were shocked by the advanced technology used by the Chinese that allowed them to sneak into the midst of the entire U.S. fleet without being noticed.  “We thought they just slipped stuff into the food and toys they sell us,” a Navy official reportedly said.  “We didn’t think they would sneak around militarily and actually use all the technology they’ve been buying and stealing.  This really surprises us.  I guess like 9-11 and the Democrats taking over Congress, we just didn’t see it coming.”

Not everyone is shocked that the Chinese have high technology or that they chose to have the sub surface in the midst of the exercise so as to make American’s understand China is much more powerful than we realize.

“Too many Americans have been sitting on their laurels thinking that after the Soviet Union collapsed the world was suddenly a peaceful place and Communists and Fascists are no longer a threat,” said General George S. Patton, a brilliant military leader who took shit from no one and is tired of Americans behaving like New Orleans hookers and socialist Frenchmen.  “If Americans don’t pull their heads out of their ass the Chinese won’t only take our manufacturing and ship us poison food and date rape drugs in our kids’ toys.  They’ll take our country, our freedom and our ability to maintain a stable world for people who love democracy.  If I hadn’t died in ’45 I’d be telling these damned politicians to start kicking some ass or expect to be kicked early and often.  And I’m not using metaphors.”

But not everyone thinks Patton had it right in World War II or today.  “Patton was over reacting then and he is now,” said Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, a strong advocate of Sleepytime Herbal Tea and a collector of blue dresses that were once in the Oval Office.  “Defending America is passé and is no longer politically correct.  That’s especially true where armies are involved.  We’re way ahead to continue giving China our technology and manufacturing plants.  So what if they’re Communists who have an army of one million and nuclear weapons that can be placed on submarines we can’t detect.  They wouldn’t really threaten us.  They’re nice folks.  I love Chinese food.  Their restaurants are fantastic!”

United Press International reported that one official said that based on the ease at which the Chinese submarine avoided 12 U.S. warships to surface near a 1,000-foot carrier, Navy officials are reconsidering the potential dangers posed by Chinese subs.  Reportedly, one NATO figure said that the effect was “as big a shock as the Russians launching Sputnik”.  Sputnik was the Soviet Union’s first orbiting satellite launched in 1957, beating the U.S. into space.  Analysts believe that China was sending a message to the United States and the West by demonstrating their rapidly growing military capability to threaten foreign powers that may want to intervene in their affairs.

“The 9-11 Report said we had knowledge that al Qaeda was considering hijacking planes and attacking the U.S. with them, but we didn’t believe that they’d really do that,” said Jenni Moore an 11 year-old from King Middle School in Maine, who has been resisting peer pressure to get free birth control from the school nurse.  “Now we’re caught by surprise when a Chinese sub pops up in the middle of a Navy exercise.  Patton might be a bit overbearing, but I think he’s right.  You’d have thought 9-11 would have taught us to pay attention to stuff.  Iran’s president has said he wants Israel and the U.S. crushed.  Russia’s Putin has made it plain that he wants to put the USSR back together and he’s at work doing it.  And he’s selling Iran material for nukes.  Is everyone asleep at all the switches?  Hell, Hitler wrote a book about his plans and followed through, why won’t these people?  Is getting 11 year-olds birth control really the most important thing adults can do with their time?”

In January China carried out a successful missile test, shooting down a satellite in orbit for the first time.  In October China announced sales of J-10 fighter jets containing Israeli technology to Iran. 

“A man must know his destiny… if he does not recognize it, then he is lost,” said Patton.  “By this I mean, once, twice, or at the very most, three times, fate will reach out and tap a man on the shoulder… if he has the imagination, he will turn around and fate will point out to him what fork in the road he should take, if he has the guts, he will take it.”

In other news, the U.S. continues to recall Chinese manufactured toys containing date-rape drugs and Howard Dean thinks we’re over reacting.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Protozoans Run U.S. Congress

Single cell creatures lack intelligence but run America

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 14, 2007

Protozoans are currently in charge of the American legislative process.  That’s what you’ll learn when you tune in to watch a new study being aired by the Discovery Health cable channel.  A recent investigation conducted by medical researchers found that the United States Congress is populated by single cell creatures called Protozoans.  Protozoans are beings with no discernable intelligence, yet they are setting American policy and levying taxes.  Discovery officials say that some presidential candidates have sought to stop the program from being aired.

David Zaslav CEO of Discovery Communications said that he’d been contacted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and that both candidates wanted the television special used as a paperweight.  “They told me that as Senators currently in Congress that the program might create a negative perception of them,” Zaslav said, stirring brain cells in a Petri dish and trying to get them to multiply.  “I asked them both for a better reason and they couldn’t come up with one.  Hillary said she’d pay for my health care if I pulled the show and Barack said he’d introduce me to Oprah.  I told them to go convince an amoeba and report back.  I haven’t heard anything since.”

Protozoa are one-celled eukaryotes that commonly show characteristics usually associated with lower animals, have limited mobility and heterotrophy.  Most protozoa are too small to be seen with the naked eye — most are around 10–50 µm, but forms up to 0.5 mm exist — they can usually be found under a microscope or in the U.S. House voting for tax increases.  Amoeba is a genus of protozoa that moves by means of pseudopods, but some are chauffeured around D.C. where they frequent Starbucks, massage parlors and the halls of Congress.

In other news, a new group called the Amoeba Rights Alliance is lobbying Congress to pass a law that blocks elected officials from using only one brain cell when debating U.S. legislation on the grounds that single cell thinking is a genetic right belonging only to Amoeba.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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