Protozoans Run U.S. Congress

Single cell creatures lack intelligence but run America

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 14, 2007

Protozoans are currently in charge of the American legislative process.  That’s what you’ll learn when you tune in to watch a new study being aired by the Discovery Health cable channel.  A recent investigation conducted by medical researchers found that the United States Congress is populated by single cell creatures called Protozoans.  Protozoans are beings with no discernable intelligence, yet they are setting American policy and levying taxes.  Discovery officials say that some presidential candidates have sought to stop the program from being aired.

David Zaslav CEO of Discovery Communications said that he’d been contacted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and that both candidates wanted the television special used as a paperweight.  “They told me that as Senators currently in Congress that the program might create a negative perception of them,” Zaslav said, stirring brain cells in a Petri dish and trying to get them to multiply.  “I asked them both for a better reason and they couldn’t come up with one.  Hillary said she’d pay for my health care if I pulled the show and Barack said he’d introduce me to Oprah.  I told them to go convince an amoeba and report back.  I haven’t heard anything since.”

Protozoa are one-celled eukaryotes that commonly show characteristics usually associated with lower animals, have limited mobility and heterotrophy.  Most protozoa are too small to be seen with the naked eye — most are around 10–50 µm, but forms up to 0.5 mm exist — they can usually be found under a microscope or in the U.S. House voting for tax increases.  Amoeba is a genus of protozoa that moves by means of pseudopods, but some are chauffeured around D.C. where they frequent Starbucks, massage parlors and the halls of Congress.

In other news, a new group called the Amoeba Rights Alliance is lobbying Congress to pass a law that blocks elected officials from using only one brain cell when debating U.S. legislation on the grounds that single cell thinking is a genetic right belonging only to Amoeba.

© 2007

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