Daily Archives: November 15, 2007

Britney Spears problems are fault of Chinese

Pop star uses Chinese products laced with chemicals

Inebriated Press
November 15, 2007

Perez Hilton reported this week that Britney Spears failed a recent drug test after tests showed she was on amphetamines.  Spears said it was from an asthma inhaler but TMZ reported that asthma inhalers don’t show up on failed drug tests because they don’t contain amphetamines.  Food and Drug Administration (FDA) officials have now discovered that imports from China are causing all of Britney’s troubles.

“We’ve discovered that over 70% of everything Britney wears or eats comes from China and is laced with melamine, diethylene glycol (DEG) and gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB),” said FDA Commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, scraping his teeth clean with natural wood from a nearby Birch tree.  “GHB is known as the ‘date rape’ drug because it initially causes euphoria but then makes a user comatose.  It can cause people to become amnestic.  That means you can’t remember shit, which is why it became a date-rape drug.  It’s in Britney’s jewelry.  DEG is a product in anti-freeze that tastes sweet so the Chinese use it to sweeten stuff.  It’s in Brit’s toothpaste and cough syrup.  Melamine is an additive that creates fake protein readings in testing equipment.  It’s actually a fire resistant plastic.  The Chinese add it to food so we think there’s more protein in it.  No wonder Britney is so screwed up.”

U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that has caused some children to vomit and become comatose after swallowing them.  Scientists have found the popular toy’s coating contains the “date rape” drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN.

Researchers at the University of California, Davis have made a discovery in the massive pet food recall from spring 2007.  Two chemicals present in the food, when combined, cause acute kidney failure in cats.  They found that food spiked with melamine and cyanuric acid would be deadly to cats that consumed it.  China exported wheat gluten containing melamine.  The U.S. imports 80% of all the wheat gluten it uses because China produces it more cheaply than U.S. farmers can.

Federal health officials said they found Chinese-made toothpaste containing a poison used in some antifreeze in three locations: Miami, the Port of Los Angeles and Puerto Rico.  The FDA warned that the Chinese products had a “low but meaningful risk of toxicity and injury” to children and people with kidney or liver disease.

Chinese regulators said that their investigation of manufacturers there had found they had done nothing wrong. Chinese officials also said that while small amounts of diethylene glycol could be safely used in toothpaste, new controls would be imposed on its use in toothpaste.

Lawyers representing Britney Spears have been summoned to court for an emergency hearing. The court session was called after it was learned that she had missed eight out of 14 scheduled drug tests.  Spears was previously described by the judge as a “habitual, frequent and continuous” user of controlled substances and alcohol and ordered her to submit to drug checks every week.

In other news, McDonald’s sales of hamburgers are down but a renewed focus on breasts has things turning around.  There has been some talk of signing Britney to appear nude in upcoming McDonald promo’s for sandwiches with white breast meat.  Spears spokespeople have neither confirmed nor deigned the report.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman loses 200 pounds on NASA egg yoke diet

Protein and yellow color assure weight loss

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 15, 2007

A Louisiana woman lost 200 pounds in only 21 days by using a new diet she says was developed by NASA and is being used to manage the weight of astronauts.  Elsie Travilla a blonde bombshell who arrived at womanhood out of shape and weighing around 325 pounds says she adopted the egg yoke diet and it has changed her life.

“I was in terrible shape at 17 until I got on the astronaut’s egg yoke diet,” said Elsie a lithe 125 pound blonde whose glance weakens the knees of guys 15 and older.  “It’s the combination of protein and the color yellow that does the trick.  I think it’s the color most of all.”

NASA has denied that their astronauts are on a diet involving egg yokes but recently admitted that most Shuttle crews drink heavily and subsist on a diet of Jack Daniels and Wild Turkey.  “We’re not big on protein, although I’ve heard of it,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin waxing the head of some bald guy wearing roller skates.  “I like the color yellow though.  Reminds me of the moon.  I like the moon.”

Shuttle astronauts returned to earth last week following a 15-day mission.  A dramatic and challenging moment came on Saturday ahead of the landing, when the shuttle crew and the three astronauts aboard the international space station teamed up to repair a damaged solar wing.  Using wire cutters, pliers and homemade tools, Scott Parazynski made the repairs in a single unplanned spacewalk.

“I wouldn’t have been able to move around the wing on the spacewalk without the color yellow and a couple egg yokes,” Parazynski said, according to nearby hitch-hikers who observed the effort.  “Sometimes Wild Turkey just isn’t enough to get you through a job like that.  Sure it can give you false courage and that’s important on every shuttle flight, but some yellow protein seems to help too.  And that’s not just the alcohol talking.  I really believe that.”

In other news, lithe blonde babes don’t always know what NASA is up to but are often worth more than the color yellow; and that’s according to a secret NASA document found under the stairs at Johnson Space Center in Houston.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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