Britney Spears problems are fault of Chinese

Pop star uses Chinese products laced with chemicals

Inebriated Press
November 15, 2007

Perez Hilton reported this week that Britney Spears failed a recent drug test after tests showed she was on amphetamines.  Spears said it was from an asthma inhaler but TMZ reported that asthma inhalers don’t show up on failed drug tests because they don’t contain amphetamines.  Food and Drug Administration (FDA) officials have now discovered that imports from China are causing all of Britney’s troubles.

“We’ve discovered that over 70% of everything Britney wears or eats comes from China and is laced with melamine, diethylene glycol (DEG) and gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB),” said FDA Commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, scraping his teeth clean with natural wood from a nearby Birch tree.  “GHB is known as the ‘date rape’ drug because it initially causes euphoria but then makes a user comatose.  It can cause people to become amnestic.  That means you can’t remember shit, which is why it became a date-rape drug.  It’s in Britney’s jewelry.  DEG is a product in anti-freeze that tastes sweet so the Chinese use it to sweeten stuff.  It’s in Brit’s toothpaste and cough syrup.  Melamine is an additive that creates fake protein readings in testing equipment.  It’s actually a fire resistant plastic.  The Chinese add it to food so we think there’s more protein in it.  No wonder Britney is so screwed up.”

U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that has caused some children to vomit and become comatose after swallowing them.  Scientists have found the popular toy’s coating contains the “date rape” drug GHB, or gamma-hydroxy butyrate, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Scott Wolfson told CNN.

Researchers at the University of California, Davis have made a discovery in the massive pet food recall from spring 2007.  Two chemicals present in the food, when combined, cause acute kidney failure in cats.  They found that food spiked with melamine and cyanuric acid would be deadly to cats that consumed it.  China exported wheat gluten containing melamine.  The U.S. imports 80% of all the wheat gluten it uses because China produces it more cheaply than U.S. farmers can.

Federal health officials said they found Chinese-made toothpaste containing a poison used in some antifreeze in three locations: Miami, the Port of Los Angeles and Puerto Rico.  The FDA warned that the Chinese products had a “low but meaningful risk of toxicity and injury” to children and people with kidney or liver disease.

Chinese regulators said that their investigation of manufacturers there had found they had done nothing wrong. Chinese officials also said that while small amounts of diethylene glycol could be safely used in toothpaste, new controls would be imposed on its use in toothpaste.

Lawyers representing Britney Spears have been summoned to court for an emergency hearing. The court session was called after it was learned that she had missed eight out of 14 scheduled drug tests.  Spears was previously described by the judge as a “habitual, frequent and continuous” user of controlled substances and alcohol and ordered her to submit to drug checks every week.

In other news, McDonald’s sales of hamburgers are down but a renewed focus on breasts has things turning around.  There has been some talk of signing Britney to appear nude in upcoming McDonald promo’s for sandwiches with white breast meat.  Spears spokespeople have neither confirmed nor deigned the report.

© 2007

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