At last, good news from China!

Country bans bad news; everything is great

Inebriated Press
November 16, 2007

Worldwide confidence in China and its intentions toward the West has soared as journalists around the globe adopt China’s Central Publicity Department view of life.  And why not – China says everything is great.

“I have never been more upbeat about all the positive things going on and coming out of China,” said Andrew Rosenthal, editor at the New York Times and winner of the Socialist of the Month Award.  “All the news is good and never mind the Chinese made toys, food, tires and other things that the U.S. has recalled for arcane reasons involving safety and death.  I’m upbeat as hell.”

Asia News reports that China’s Central Publicity Department issued a warning this week telling mainland editors to stay away from negative coverage.  The notice ordered journalists to steer clear of negative Olympics-related stories and topics that could show the country in a bad light. They include topics like air quality, pollution, food safety and the latest tainted food scare.  The warning sent to Chinese editors also urged them to print more positive stories about the Olympics in order to influence their foreign colleagues.

“We are a good-news society and there’s no point arguing over who’s food and toys are killing people, or debate our arming Iran with fighter jets, shooting down satellites and using spy subs on Americans or other silly topics like that,” said Skru U, head of China’s Friendship and World Domination Department and author of the novel ‘Slow Death to the West’.  “We love all people and continents and in our benevolence hope to rule them one day.  It’s in the world’s best interest.  We already effectively control a bigger population than any other country so we have the most experience.  It makes sense that we control all things.  We’re happy about this and the rest of the world can be too!”

Asia News also reported that Chinese authorities are planning a database of foreign reporters covering the games as a reference to would-be interviewees.  The database would include 8,000 foreign journalists accredited to report from inside Olympic Games venues, and 20,000 allowed to report outside. It will be used to crackdown on “fake reporters” who might use the Olympics to come to China and interview anyone.  Beijing is concerned that pro-democracy activists, Falun Gong members or Tibetans might infiltrate the country as journalists.

“It’s not that we don’t like pro-democracy individuals,” said Skru U selling a jailed man’s pro-democracy body parts to a sick German and several Canadians.  “It’s just that we need to control everything they do and say.  The Chinese Party views individuals as highly important just like the West does.  How we treat them is a topic of debate, but that debate has gone on for years.  Ignoring it is really no big deal for us.”

In other news, liars are still lying, Islamofascists are still killing, and Socialists, Communists and Psychopaths need equal rights that are slightly more equal than those of Democratic Republics.

© 2007

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