Daily Archives: November 19, 2007

Iranian nukes and Hippie museums

Leaders eye tough choices

Inebriated Press
November 19, 2007

The United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has verified that Iran now has no fewer than 2,952 centrifuges capable of producing sufficient weapons-grade uranium for a nuclear weapon within a year.  And the Wall Street Journal reported last Friday that Iran has released its blueprints for casting uranium into nuclear warheads.  Meanwhile Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer, Democratic senators from New York, want to earmark $1 million in federal money for a museum that would commemorate the 1969 Woodstock music festival by building a museum in their state.  U.S. leaders are facing some tough choices.

“The Iranians aren’t going to hurt no one.  They’re a peaceful bunch of farmers and animal lovers who wear organic cotton,” said Senator Clinton having an acid flashback and channeling Janis Joplin.  “All we need to do is give peace a chance and illegal alien’s drivers’ licenses.  Am I wearing a bra, I forget.”

Acid flashbacks aside, the Iranians are now in violation of two legally binding U.N. Security Council demands.  The installation of 3,000 fully-functioning centrifuges at Iran’s enrichment plant at Natanz is a “red line” drawn by the U.S. across which Washington had said it would not let Iran pass.  The IAEA says the Iranians are being “generally truthful” about their current nuclear status but the Iranians seem to have done little more than tell the IAEA what it already knew.  Republicans say presidential contender Hillary Rodham Clinton can forget about getting $1 million in taxpayer funds for a Woodstock museum.  Sens. Jon Kyl, R-Ariz., and Tom Coburn, R-Okla., were trying last Thursday to strip the Woodstock earmark from a massive health and education spending bill on the Senate floor.  Iranians are reacting philosophically.

“The American Republican infidels should be shot in a peaceful manner at the Woodstock farm,” said the typically understated Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, erasing Israel from a map in front of him.  “Iran’s nuclear intentions are peaceful and we have every intention of delivering a better world ruled by the Islamofascist ideals that all Muslims of the proper understanding support.  Where’s my big eraser, the U.S. is next.”

In related news, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she was tired of constantly rehashing issues relating to the Middle East and thinks we should pull out every soldier and forget about it.  “The sooner the Hollywood writers strike ends the quicker we’ll be able to get back to something new,” said Pelosi slamming Southern Comfort shots and caressing a new tattoo of Janis Joplin on her left breast.  “I’m sick of all the reruns on CNN.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Breaking News: John Lennon not really dead

Living as U.S. Representative Nancy Pelosi

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 19, 2007

Investigative journalists have uncovered what some are calling the surprise of the century.  Namely that former Beatle John Lennon faked his death and after sex change surgery was elected to the U.S. Congress as Nancy Pelosi, currently U.S. Speaker of the House.  The announcement came this morning at Inebriated Press headquarters with only nuclear physicists and blonde coeds present.  Journalist Howie Long a former NFL player who hawks Chevy trucks and investigates wild stories broke the news.

“Look hard at the pictures of Nancy Pelosi and tell me that’s not John Lennon the Speaker of the House,” said Long twirling a blonde coed around his right index finger.  “Now you know what all the face lifts were about.  She’s not half bad looking either.  Of course her politics suck, but that’s consistent with Lennon’s geopolitical outlook.”

Reportedly Lennon tired of his wife Yoko’s nagging and over-bearing attitude and decided to fake his death to get away from her.  After living as a man named Chico and selling grass in New Jersey he decided to change sexes and get into politics.  “She said she was burned out from Yoko, the fans and even selling grass,” Howie told one of the physicists currently studying the effects of radiation on Wrigley’s gum.  “Once John was a woman he moved to California where he figured he’d have the best shot at success with his brand of sexuality and politics.  The rest, as they say, is history.”

Crotchety reporters from Fox News have questioned the announcement saying they’re convinced that Lennon is dead and Pelosi is just a whacked out woman from California.  But reporters from CBS and MSNBC say the story rings true and have begun making up supporting documentation.  In a fax from CBS quoting former anchorman Dan Rather the media outlet says Lennon and Pelosi have the same shoe size and they would both say “back atcha” when people called them freaks and druggies.  MSNBC backs CBS and says this information is more than coincidence and proves Lennon and Pelosi are the same person.

In loosely related news, Dan Rather has announced a plan to run for president as an independent in 2008.  He says he’ll run under the name Betsy Ross and thinks that he’ll get votes from people who like the U.S. flag.  “Who doesn’t like the flag,” Rather said recently at an all night Gin chugging competition.  “I’m a cinch to win the presidency.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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