Breaking News: John Lennon not really dead

Living as U.S. Representative Nancy Pelosi

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 19, 2007

Investigative journalists have uncovered what some are calling the surprise of the century.  Namely that former Beatle John Lennon faked his death and after sex change surgery was elected to the U.S. Congress as Nancy Pelosi, currently U.S. Speaker of the House.  The announcement came this morning at Inebriated Press headquarters with only nuclear physicists and blonde coeds present.  Journalist Howie Long a former NFL player who hawks Chevy trucks and investigates wild stories broke the news.

“Look hard at the pictures of Nancy Pelosi and tell me that’s not John Lennon the Speaker of the House,” said Long twirling a blonde coed around his right index finger.  “Now you know what all the face lifts were about.  She’s not half bad looking either.  Of course her politics suck, but that’s consistent with Lennon’s geopolitical outlook.”

Reportedly Lennon tired of his wife Yoko’s nagging and over-bearing attitude and decided to fake his death to get away from her.  After living as a man named Chico and selling grass in New Jersey he decided to change sexes and get into politics.  “She said she was burned out from Yoko, the fans and even selling grass,” Howie told one of the physicists currently studying the effects of radiation on Wrigley’s gum.  “Once John was a woman he moved to California where he figured he’d have the best shot at success with his brand of sexuality and politics.  The rest, as they say, is history.”

Crotchety reporters from Fox News have questioned the announcement saying they’re convinced that Lennon is dead and Pelosi is just a whacked out woman from California.  But reporters from CBS and MSNBC say the story rings true and have begun making up supporting documentation.  In a fax from CBS quoting former anchorman Dan Rather the media outlet says Lennon and Pelosi have the same shoe size and they would both say “back atcha” when people called them freaks and druggies.  MSNBC backs CBS and says this information is more than coincidence and proves Lennon and Pelosi are the same person.

In loosely related news, Dan Rather has announced a plan to run for president as an independent in 2008.  He says he’ll run under the name Betsy Ross and thinks that he’ll get votes from people who like the U.S. flag.  “Who doesn’t like the flag,” Rather said recently at an all night Gin chugging competition.  “I’m a cinch to win the presidency.”

© 2007

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