Iranian nukes and Hippie museums

Leaders eye tough choices

Inebriated Press
November 19, 2007

The United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has verified that Iran now has no fewer than 2,952 centrifuges capable of producing sufficient weapons-grade uranium for a nuclear weapon within a year.  And the Wall Street Journal reported last Friday that Iran has released its blueprints for casting uranium into nuclear warheads.  Meanwhile Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer, Democratic senators from New York, want to earmark $1 million in federal money for a museum that would commemorate the 1969 Woodstock music festival by building a museum in their state.  U.S. leaders are facing some tough choices.

“The Iranians aren’t going to hurt no one.  They’re a peaceful bunch of farmers and animal lovers who wear organic cotton,” said Senator Clinton having an acid flashback and channeling Janis Joplin.  “All we need to do is give peace a chance and illegal alien’s drivers’ licenses.  Am I wearing a bra, I forget.”

Acid flashbacks aside, the Iranians are now in violation of two legally binding U.N. Security Council demands.  The installation of 3,000 fully-functioning centrifuges at Iran’s enrichment plant at Natanz is a “red line” drawn by the U.S. across which Washington had said it would not let Iran pass.  The IAEA says the Iranians are being “generally truthful” about their current nuclear status but the Iranians seem to have done little more than tell the IAEA what it already knew.  Republicans say presidential contender Hillary Rodham Clinton can forget about getting $1 million in taxpayer funds for a Woodstock museum.  Sens. Jon Kyl, R-Ariz., and Tom Coburn, R-Okla., were trying last Thursday to strip the Woodstock earmark from a massive health and education spending bill on the Senate floor.  Iranians are reacting philosophically.

“The American Republican infidels should be shot in a peaceful manner at the Woodstock farm,” said the typically understated Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, erasing Israel from a map in front of him.  “Iran’s nuclear intentions are peaceful and we have every intention of delivering a better world ruled by the Islamofascist ideals that all Muslims of the proper understanding support.  Where’s my big eraser, the U.S. is next.”

In related news, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she was tired of constantly rehashing issues relating to the Middle East and thinks we should pull out every soldier and forget about it.  “The sooner the Hollywood writers strike ends the quicker we’ll be able to get back to something new,” said Pelosi slamming Southern Comfort shots and caressing a new tattoo of Janis Joplin on her left breast.  “I’m sick of all the reruns on CNN.”

© 2007

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