Daily Archives: November 20, 2007

Monkey cloning tied to Bin Laden

Terrorist seeks more recruits to fight West

Inebriated Press
November 20, 2007

The Oregon National Primate Research Center announced last week that it has succeeded in cloning 20 macaque monkey embryos using techniques similar to those used to produce Dolly the sheep, but with fewer toxic chemicals.  Investigators have discovered that terrorist Osama bin Laden has been secretly funding cloning techniques and hopes to replace his diminishing stockpile of suicide bombers with them, but plans to use higher amounts of both toxic chemicals and religious philosophy.  CIA operatives hope the toxic monkey-terrorists go bananas on their chief and don’t bother regular folks.

“Bin Laden has a creative terrorist mind and is willing to try anything to crush the West and succeed in creating a worldwide Islamofascist empire, and that includes using toxic suicide monkey bombers,” said Secret Agent 16 1/2, a senior official at the CIA whose handle relates to his large feet.  “While I respect him as a berserk terrorist, I have to admit that his attempt to use cloning techniques to replicate bombers is pretty silly.  Still, none of us believed he’d really convince human beings to hijack and fly airliners into buildings.  I suppose anything is possible.”

The Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that Iraq’s government said security statistics showed that Baghdad had “defeated the forces of darkness” after more than a year of sectarian warfare, and the United States said it was crucial that Iraqi leaders used the relative calm to get their political fighting under control.  They said that there was more to do, but that things were turning around.  Reportedly this pissed off bin Laden and he beheaded several goats just to prove he could.  Despite what appears to be progress in Iraq some U.S. officials say it’s time to cut and run.

“I’m scared silly about the threat of cloned monkey bombers blending in with Hollywood actors and taking over the Writers Guild,” said U.S. House leader Nancy Pelosi looking for stray banana peels around her chair and in her blouse.  “Why don’t we just give bin Laden Disney World right now and end this madness.  It’s all he really wants you know.”

In announcing the cloning advance scientists said the success could aid efforts to use a patient’s own stem cells to treat Parkinson’s, cystic fibrosis, motor neuron disease and many more ailments.  Still some say a twisted scientist could use the technique to create new humans.

Helen Wallace of Genewatch, which monitors biotechnology, said the breakthrough would cause “a real worry” in some quarters that it would tempt a renegade scientist to create a cloned baby.  “The clear risk of an experiment is of a deformed baby,” she said. “In most countries there are no legal safeguards.”

In related news, Osama Bin Laden issued a press release saying that America is still bad and calling on monkey clones to join with Islamofascists and take over the world.  “I am speaking for the god of terrorism and monkeys and I command you to take over the world and cede control to me,” said Bin Laden in red ink.  “It is time to crush all infidels who disagree with me and I’m unanimous in this.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Canadian Duck Lives Forever, Surprises Scientists

Hillary says it’s the result of national health care

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 20, 2007

A five pound Mallard duck living in Canada has been on earth since the dawn of time.  Scientists and fast food managers confirmed the ducks longevity using carbon dating and a technique that determines rancidity when deciding how much longer fry oil can be used at McDonalds.  According to presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the duck’s longevity is directly related to Canada’s national healthcare system.

“National healthcare is the right of every person and duck,” said Clinton at a fundraiser featuring nude PETA supporters and anti duck-hunters.  “The Canadian duck has had high quality government health care for many years and as a result has been able to live and flap around for centuries.  It’s this approach that I plan to bring to Americans and U.S. ducks when I’m president.”

But not everyone is convinced the duck has been around forever, or that Hillary’s health care plan is everything she makes it out to be.  “A duck that’s been around forever?  Oh come-on,” said Doctor Shivago, a Russian immigrant currently selling baseball caps in Boston.  “Nothing lives forever, not ducks and not Hillary’s healthcare mania.  We all know that ducks fly south over winter and I have it on good authority that the duck frequents a clinic in Arizona each January.  If it is in good health it’s as much to do with the American healthcare system as anything.”

Healthcare and ducks have been growing topics of discussion as the U.S. presidential race has gotten underway with feathers flying and candidates calling fowl over claims that free healthcare actually has to cost something and some candidates promising that aliens will pay off the national debt.

In other news, global warming continues to be an important topic as Canadians hope it hurries up so that they can save money on heating costs.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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