Canadian Duck Lives Forever, Surprises Scientists

Hillary says it’s the result of national health care

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 20, 2007

A five pound Mallard duck living in Canada has been on earth since the dawn of time.  Scientists and fast food managers confirmed the ducks longevity using carbon dating and a technique that determines rancidity when deciding how much longer fry oil can be used at McDonalds.  According to presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the duck’s longevity is directly related to Canada’s national healthcare system.

“National healthcare is the right of every person and duck,” said Clinton at a fundraiser featuring nude PETA supporters and anti duck-hunters.  “The Canadian duck has had high quality government health care for many years and as a result has been able to live and flap around for centuries.  It’s this approach that I plan to bring to Americans and U.S. ducks when I’m president.”

But not everyone is convinced the duck has been around forever, or that Hillary’s health care plan is everything she makes it out to be.  “A duck that’s been around forever?  Oh come-on,” said Doctor Shivago, a Russian immigrant currently selling baseball caps in Boston.  “Nothing lives forever, not ducks and not Hillary’s healthcare mania.  We all know that ducks fly south over winter and I have it on good authority that the duck frequents a clinic in Arizona each January.  If it is in good health it’s as much to do with the American healthcare system as anything.”

Healthcare and ducks have been growing topics of discussion as the U.S. presidential race has gotten underway with feathers flying and candidates calling fowl over claims that free healthcare actually has to cost something and some candidates promising that aliens will pay off the national debt.

In other news, global warming continues to be an important topic as Canadians hope it hurries up so that they can save money on heating costs.

© 2007

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