Daily Archives: November 21, 2007

Google to dominate knowledge and genetics

Plan to control world data platform and human DNA code

Inebriated Press
November 21, 2007

Google Inc-funded 23andMe launched on Monday and began offering a DNA saliva test for $999 per person, which would help U.S. users of the online site learn about disease risk, inherited traits and their ancestry.  The ownership rights of users’ human DNA code will automatically transfer to Google Inc and there are plans to develop encoded DNA search systems to scan, decode and propose disease cures and health “modifications” based on the results.  The new human DNA search, display and replace system will revolutionize human biology, web search and corporate control of life. 

“We will be able to offer people a system with which they can ultimately run scans on their DNA code and learn what they’re susceptible to health wise, and eventually enable them to search and replace DNA code that they want to change,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt playing Tetris with his cousin Bob’s DNA code, ultimately rendering him a woman named Sylvia with big hooters and an IQ of 215.  “The opportunity available to human kind and Google investors will be enormous.”

Code named iGA for Internet Genotype Alteration and a play on IGA — the Independent Grocers Alliance — the online system will offer Google a “grocery store” of options in human DNA manipulation. 

“We believe this information provides intriguing insights into an individual’s genetics, with the goal of expanding the collective knowledge base by enabling active participation in research and human evolution,” said Anne Wojcicki, 23andMe co-founder, who is married to Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  “Once iGA is fully formed and utilized by most human beings, we’ll remind them that their alterations are the direct result of Google patented technology and that we own them.  A few people may be uncomfortable with the idea, but we’ll be able to crush them with our legal team.  It’s all part of our new motto, ‘Conquer the World By Doing What We Want’. We think most people will want to participate.”

In related news, the Independent Grocers Alliance may sue Google for infringement on their IGA trademark unless Google agrees to make all iGA humans shop at their stores.  Negotiations are underway with Google leading 3-2 in the bottom of the fifth.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Psychopaths Demand Equal Rights

Alternative lifestyle is discriminated against

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 21, 2007

Societies across the globe have been discriminating against psychopaths for centuries, but a new organization has begun a fight against the negative stigma often associated with them and to battle for equal rights.  The Psychopaths United Support System (PUSS) says it’s time that American society accepted the alternate lifestyle their members’ exhibit and to provide them the protection and opportunity that is their right.

“Our right to promote our way of life in public schools and occasionally torture and kill someone needs protection in the U.S. today,” said a serial killer who requested that his name be kept secret for fear of reprisals by an unsympathetic society still lacking tolerance.  “Sure ‘Silence of the Lambs’ helped some people to better understand our needs and made people more empathetic.  But they still want us locked up and would prefer that we weren’t running the federal government.  Hopefully PUSS will make things better.  We have one of our own running Iran today and I dream of being president of the U.S.”

Not everyone favors complete freedom and tolerance for psychopaths.  “I’m fine with Islamofascists blowing themselves and others up when they’re unhappy that they can’t rule the world,” said someone, “And aborting unborn kids and even knocking off a few 10 or 12 year olds is okay.  But letting psychopaths run countries like they do in the Middle East seems too destabilizing.  Although I suppose chaos is an alternative way to live and since all morals and ethics are relative, it’s as good as anything else.  Still it bugs me a little for some reason.”

Psychopathy is defined in psychiatry and clinical psychology as a condition characterized by lack of empathy or conscience, and poor impulse control or manipulative behaviors.  It is a term derived from the Greek psyche (soul, breath hence mind) and pathos (to suffer), and was once used to denote any form of mental illness, often being confused with psychosis.  But in an era of moral relativity where there is no real truth, philosophers and social scientists are increasingly realizing that what was once considered a mental heath problem is merely a naturally occurring alternative lifestyle.

“We can no longer label people with stereotypical names as though they can control themselves and then force them to conform to old traditional or classical ways of living and behaving,” said Doctor Noitall, a clinical physician and new age philosopher.  “The old mores of love and hate or even social conscience are being relegated to the ash heap of ideas that rich old white men foisted on the world.  It’s high time we shake off the shackles of morality and common decency and live freely in a truly Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest lifestyle.  The idea of protecting the sick and the weak is absurd and out of fashion.  This is the age of tolerance and nothing should be found intolerable except intolerance itself.”

In other news, the value of restraint and self discipline continues to fall in the polls with congressional leaders favoring “fluid truth” as the most useful.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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