Google to dominate knowledge and genetics

Plan to control world data platform and human DNA code

Inebriated Press
November 21, 2007

Google Inc-funded 23andMe launched on Monday and began offering a DNA saliva test for $999 per person, which would help U.S. users of the online site learn about disease risk, inherited traits and their ancestry.  The ownership rights of users’ human DNA code will automatically transfer to Google Inc and there are plans to develop encoded DNA search systems to scan, decode and propose disease cures and health “modifications” based on the results.  The new human DNA search, display and replace system will revolutionize human biology, web search and corporate control of life. 

“We will be able to offer people a system with which they can ultimately run scans on their DNA code and learn what they’re susceptible to health wise, and eventually enable them to search and replace DNA code that they want to change,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt playing Tetris with his cousin Bob’s DNA code, ultimately rendering him a woman named Sylvia with big hooters and an IQ of 215.  “The opportunity available to human kind and Google investors will be enormous.”

Code named iGA for Internet Genotype Alteration and a play on IGA — the Independent Grocers Alliance — the online system will offer Google a “grocery store” of options in human DNA manipulation. 

“We believe this information provides intriguing insights into an individual’s genetics, with the goal of expanding the collective knowledge base by enabling active participation in research and human evolution,” said Anne Wojcicki, 23andMe co-founder, who is married to Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  “Once iGA is fully formed and utilized by most human beings, we’ll remind them that their alterations are the direct result of Google patented technology and that we own them.  A few people may be uncomfortable with the idea, but we’ll be able to crush them with our legal team.  It’s all part of our new motto, ‘Conquer the World By Doing What We Want’. We think most people will want to participate.”

In related news, the Independent Grocers Alliance may sue Google for infringement on their IGA trademark unless Google agrees to make all iGA humans shop at their stores.  Negotiations are underway with Google leading 3-2 in the bottom of the fifth.

© 2007

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