Daily Archives: November 22, 2007

PC processor chip vulnerable to hack

Hard code weakness key to next attack

Inebriated Press
November 22, 2007

Adi Shamir, a professor at the Weizmann Institute of Science in Israel, has written a paper stating that errors within computer processing chips can be exploited and PC’s turned into zombies ruled by hackers.  Technicians working for the Chinese Military have responded to the report saying that such thinking is ridiculous and that their Department of Chip Hacking has had very little success in the area and that manufacturers of chip technology should ignore Shamir.  Most technologists agree.

“Exploitable chips is just a silly concept being thought up by Jewish infidels who probably eat pork in their spare time,” said Icki Qkiler head of al Qaeda’s Technology Division.  “There is nothing that anyone needs to be afraid of as long as they support al Qaeda’s fundamental principles involving Islamofascist control of the world.”

According to Shamir, executing the attack would require only knowledge of a mathematical flaw in a chip and a “poisoned” encrypted message could then be sent to a computer.  It would then be possible to compute the value of the secret key used by the targeted system.  Once someone exploits this error, millions of PCs could be attacked simultaneously, without having to manipulate the software operating environment of each one of them individually.  But not everyone is worried.

“Creating zombie computers is impractical and darn near impossible,” said Genghis Khan, a cheerful Mongolian known for visiting neighboring tribes with an early version of the Welcome Wagon.  “Who would want to bother?  No one in the world wants to harm anyone else.  That’s why Asia has been peaceful for centuries.”

Shamir said that the increasing complexity of modern microprocessor chips is almost certain to lead to undetected errors and a subtle math error would make it possible for an attacker to break the protection afforded to some electronic messages by a popular technique known as public key cryptography.

An Intel spokesman noted that Shamir’s ideas are merely theoretical and that hacking was going out of style.  “Hacking for hacking’s sake and the notion that China would ever want to exploit other nation’s vulnerabilities are old school ways of thinking,” said the spokesman keeping his name tag covered.  “No one is out to get you.  I gotta go now; I’ll start getting paranoid if I talk to you anymore.  Everything is great!”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Radioactive Squirrel of Dignity

Popular new religion breaks out of the shadows

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
November 22, 2007

The war of faith and ideas just got turned on its philosophical head.  A unique new religion involving the worship of a radioactive squirrel named Dingy is going mainstream.  Once the faith of a handful of self proclaimed nut cases and a few balding Baby Boomers, the new belief has spread to include wealthy financiers and washing machine repairmen.

“The beloved Radioactive Squirrel of Dignity is my god,” said Maytag repairman Cecil Costner, a man whose traits rival those of other people.  “I saw the glowing Squirrel descend the Maple Tree and reveal oneness, sameness and the promise of nuts to humankind and I knew then, that destiny had followed me home.”

But some discount the claims that a radioactive squirrel really exists and if it does, that it’s a god.  “I don’t think that a radioactive squirrel exists and if it does it’s not a god,” said Carmel Corn, a popular snack and little known psychic who traffics in goose down.  “I was once the three of clubs but got caught in a straight flush and had to leave Cincinnati.  That ended my experimentation with alternative religion based on unusual animals and card games.”

Religions based on animals and card games were popular in the U.S. during the 1960’s when alternative faiths of any kind were considered better than traditional views of deity.  Time Magazine declared god dead at one point, leaving many church leaders unemployed.  It turned out later that the article was based on hearsay and traditional religion made a comeback.  Still the combination of radioactivity and sainthood is a relatively new phenomenon and politicians and emperors continue to ponder the nature of religion.

“I once believed in the Goodyear Blimp because it was in the sky and I thought it was cool,” said Marcus Aurelius former Emperor of Rome, once considered a god himself.  “But then I found out it was just full of gas and I realized it wasn’t going to fix my life.  That’s when I decided that being the head of Rome and considered a god was okay with me.  But other than writing down a few ideas and a couple of grocery lists I never really did much with the revelation.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton considers herself a god despite Bill’s chiding that she’s merely a blonde with his coattails.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid