Radioactive Squirrel of Dignity

Popular new religion breaks out of the shadows

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
November 22, 2007

The war of faith and ideas just got turned on its philosophical head.  A unique new religion involving the worship of a radioactive squirrel named Dingy is going mainstream.  Once the faith of a handful of self proclaimed nut cases and a few balding Baby Boomers, the new belief has spread to include wealthy financiers and washing machine repairmen.

“The beloved Radioactive Squirrel of Dignity is my god,” said Maytag repairman Cecil Costner, a man whose traits rival those of other people.  “I saw the glowing Squirrel descend the Maple Tree and reveal oneness, sameness and the promise of nuts to humankind and I knew then, that destiny had followed me home.”

But some discount the claims that a radioactive squirrel really exists and if it does, that it’s a god.  “I don’t think that a radioactive squirrel exists and if it does it’s not a god,” said Carmel Corn, a popular snack and little known psychic who traffics in goose down.  “I was once the three of clubs but got caught in a straight flush and had to leave Cincinnati.  That ended my experimentation with alternative religion based on unusual animals and card games.”

Religions based on animals and card games were popular in the U.S. during the 1960’s when alternative faiths of any kind were considered better than traditional views of deity.  Time Magazine declared god dead at one point, leaving many church leaders unemployed.  It turned out later that the article was based on hearsay and traditional religion made a comeback.  Still the combination of radioactivity and sainthood is a relatively new phenomenon and politicians and emperors continue to ponder the nature of religion.

“I once believed in the Goodyear Blimp because it was in the sky and I thought it was cool,” said Marcus Aurelius former Emperor of Rome, once considered a god himself.  “But then I found out it was just full of gas and I realized it wasn’t going to fix my life.  That’s when I decided that being the head of Rome and considered a god was okay with me.  But other than writing down a few ideas and a couple of grocery lists I never really did much with the revelation.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton considers herself a god despite Bill’s chiding that she’s merely a blonde with his coattails.

© 2007

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