Findings rock current trends; scientists call for more funding
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 23, 2007
In a stunning revelation, scientists researching the nature of the human beings have said that men and women are different. Women’s rights groups are disputing the claim while men’s organizations continued serving beer and playing golf. Scientists are requesting additional government funds to continue the controversial study.
“There was a time where equality and inequality were hotly debated in America but we pretty much settled down and decided men and women were the same,” said scientist and juggler Herman Melville. “Then we diverted some of our whale research funds and got poking around the edges of human characteristics and discovered what appear to be two distinct sexes within the same species. Several researchers started shitting tacks and others reeled beneath the impact of the revelation. For now we remain stunned and amazed, at least until we get additional funding for more study.”
But not everyone is surprised about the results. “I noticed a difference between me and Susie last fall when her shirt started looking different than mine,” said Bobby Thompson, a short for-his-age 10-year-old and Susie’s brother. “Some kids at school were telling me about girls and stuff and I kind of figured we was different.”
Gender issues and the nature of social equality have been debated in many societies for years but only recently have some social scientists begun to suspect that some people are different than others. Social equality is defined as a social state of affairs in which certain people have the same status in a certain respect, at the very least in voting rights, freedom of speech and assembly, the extent of property rights as well as the access to education, health care and other social securities. But not everyone thinks equality exists or should exist.
“The need to protect and enhance the rights of women and minorities is a widely accepted belief in the U.S. but it’s not proper in the Middle East,” said human rights management expert and current president of Iran Mahmud Ahmadinejad. “There is confusion in the world today with a few people who believe that women shouldn’t wear veils and be subservient to men and that Jews aren’t really non-human pig-dogs. When I have nuclear weapons I hope to convince others of these important facts.”
In other news, whale lovers hope scientists will reallocate funds wasted on the study of humanity back to water based mammal populations which are inherently more interesting and intelligent.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com