Daily Archives: November 26, 2007

US agrees to talks with Iran, considers gun ban

Iran wants nukes, U.S. ponders banning personal weapons

Inebriated Press
November 26, 2007

The U.S. Supreme Court said it will decide whether Washington, D.C.’s longstanding handgun-possession ban is constitutional, and the United States has accepted an Iraqi proposal to hold new talks with Iran about the security situation in Iraq, the State Department said last week.  So while Iran arms terrorists in Iraq with weapons and offers to talk, the U.S. ponders banning law abiding citizens of its own country from owning a handgun.  Some feel that repressing the rights of U.S. citizens is okay and feel that suppressing Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and giving arms to terrorists is not.  The debate goes on.

“No American should possess a personal weapon regardless of what the Constitution says,” said ACLU’s Anthony Romero, trying on a new pair of underwear and cursing freedom.  “And it’s high time that the U.S. stopped harassing terrorists inside and outside this country and let them behead whomever they want.  The world will be a better place once American civil liberties are throttled and Islamofascists rights to do what they want are respected.”

The high court hasn’t ruled directly on individual Second Amendment rights in almost 70 years. Although the court could rule narrowly on the D.C. ban, both gun rights and antigun advocates hope the court will bring more clarity to Second Amendment gun rights in the U.S.  Meanwhile weapons stating ‘Made in Iran’ have been found among Iraqi insurgent strongholds but Iran denies any involvement.

“Iranian military material is of such high quality that many illegal bombs made by Americans say ‘Made in Iran’ and we can’t control that,” said Iranian bomb-maker Albert Einstein, speaking under an assumed name that he personally hates because of its Jewish connection.  “One day all things will say ‘Made in Iran’ on them and the world will bow before our peace loving might or risk holy nuclear holocaust.  God willing.”

Iran has long been accused by Washington of training, arming and funding Shiite extremists inside Iraq to kill American troops.  But in recent weeks, U.S. officials have said Tehran appears to have slowed the flow of arms across its border into Iraq.  Iran has denied the arms-funneling accusations, insisting that it is doing its best to help stabilize its embattled western neighbor by merely ‘seeking to take it over’.

The Washington D.C. handgun appeal argues that legal precedent on gun ownership has determined the Second Amendment “is limited to weapons possession and use in connection with service in state-regulated militias” and say that individuals don’t have the right to own guns and may not even have the right to free speech or to vote.

“The United States has gotten freedom of the individual way overblown,” said Judy Sushi a fish loving anti-gun advocate who questions all individual rights except for her own.  “It’s high time that personal rights are subordinate to the State and the State and the IRS are worshiped as the gods that they are.  And I’m not just saying that because of all the leaden-antifreeze-melamine-based Chinese fish I just ate.  I do feel a little bloated though.”

In other news, Senator Nancy Pelosi says guns aren’t necessary in society and the sooner everyone starts worshiping her, the quicker things will improve.  Thus far she has declined to define ‘improve’.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Mariah Carey Rents Ass as Table

Billionaire Sheik pays her to set his drink on her butt

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 26, 2007

In a surprise to most folks with common sense pop singer Mariah Carey has rented her ass to an Arab sheik to use as a drink holder.  Reportedly the sheik paid Carey one million dollars to put his drink on her butt for fifteen minutes.  Human rights groups expressed shock and dismay, but ass lovers said that properly respected an ass can be used for many things. 

“Mariah Carey’s ass is her own and she can rent it to whomever she pleases,” said Mister Ed, a talking horse and well known ass lover.  “It’s the nature of freedom and financial gain to allow anyone to sell or rent anything to anybody for any amount of money.  And I’m not just saying that because I can talk.”

Rights advocates have clashed with ass lovers off and on over the years with rights groups claiming too much freedom for the asses of people risked a decline in value of humankind and ass lovers saying that what they did with their asses was their own business.  The “Mariah Ass Rental Incident” has heightened the debate over personal freedom, money and what constitutes prostitution.

“It’s not right to rent your body to others even if it’s just your ass and you get a million bucks,” said Nelson Mandela, a human rights advocate and connoisseur of fine asses.  “Any time someone trades the freedom of their ass for money, it degrades humanity and pretty soon people will even sell their time and labor for money … or something like that.”

In other news, one mans ass is another mans horse.  And one mans horse is another mans ride.  And one mans ride is another mans taxi.  And one mans taxi is another mans business.  And one mans business is another mans competition.  And one mans competition is another mans pain in the ass.  And one mans pain in the ass is another mans drink holder.  When laundering delicates adjust the settings on your washer.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid