Daily Archives: November 27, 2007

Putin pissed at U.S. but likes fascism just fine

Consolidating Kremlin power good for freedom

Inebriated Press
November 27, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday accused the United States of trying to taint the legitimacy of upcoming Russian parliamentary elections by pressing a group of prominent independent election observers to abandon their attempts to monitor the campaign.  He didn’t mention the fact that the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (O.S.C.E.) decided to drop the effort on their own because Russia won’t allow them to fully staff the operation or to issue any reports about the outcome … rendering their effort meaningless.  Putin wants the group to show up anyway so he can claim that his party officials have been legitimately elected to office.  But only the free people seem bothered.

“President Putin is a legitimate dictator and doesn’t need anyone meddling in his affairs,” said Eyegor Udont, Putin’s close advisor and director of dissent management.  “There is no reason for anyone to question the authenticity of an election carefully controlled by our glorious president.  The world can be assured that everyone who’s vote we think should be counted; will in fact have their voted counted.”

The New York Times reported that the elections on Dec. 2 are widely expected to be monopolized by the dominant pro-Kremlin party, United Russia, coincidentally led this year by President Vladimir V. Putin.  The limits on observers reflect the Kremlin’s increasing control over the process.  Reuters reported that former world chess champion Garry Kasparov was arrested in Moscow for protesting the upcoming elections as being rigged.  Kremlin authorities say Kasparov is merely confused and needed to be jailed for his own protection.

“The chess champion is not very smart politically and doesn’t seem to understand the moves we need to make to effectively consolidate power,” said president Putin, pulling strings attached to several nearby officials and watching them jump up and down just for his amusement.  “There are protest groups that want to destabilize my election process by allowing competition and open dialogue on issues.  This is not good for Russia or the reassembling of the Soviet Union under my leadership.  Such silly impositions must be controlled for the good of the protestors.  I’m looking after Garry’s well being.  He’ll understand this after a few more nights in the jug.”

The election-monitoring arm of the O.S.C.E., the Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights, or O.D.I.H.R., announced on Nov. 16 that it was canceling its mission to Russia, saying that restrictions imposed by the Russian government had made it impossible for it to carry out its work. The U.S. State Department and numerous European diplomats supported their decision.

In other news, Russia continues to provide nuclear material and technical support to Iran and says its part of Russia’s effort to aid world peace by giving nukes to anti-democratic radicals.  “Look how calm things are where I’m involved,” said president Putin while arming Middle Eastern Islamofascists and killing Muslim’s in his own country who disagree with him.  “I know how to make this stuff work baby.  Trust me, trust me.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Putin pissed at U.S. but likes fascism just fine

Filed under Humor, IP News

“Dancing with the Stars” to Determine U.S. Presidency

Supreme Court Ruling Changes American Election Process

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 27, 2007

In a stunning announcement the U. S. Supreme Court has ruled that the Emmy-nominated reality show “Dancing with the Stars” airing on ABC Television, will determine the next President of the United States.  Chief Justice John Roberts issued a statement indicating that all of the Judges backed the decision which they based on vagaries in the American Constitution and some little known details involving reality, television and some offhand remarks once make by Benjamin Franklin.  Media reports circulating say all current presidential candidates are hurriedly signing up for dance classes. 

“This new twist in the American election scene is certain to impact both the primaries and the election itself,” said election historian and bingo caller Marge Simpson, a blue haired babe who moonlights as a toon.  “But in the end I think the process is fair, only a little random, and certainly will make the election much more entertaining.”

Not everyone thinks the TV program is good for American politics.  “Being able to avoid getting voted off of a TV show is no way to become leader of the most powerful nation in the world,” said Ralph Nader, a stuffy old guy who would complain even if he was being hung with a new rope.  “I admit that the current approach of lies, innuendo, attack advertising and such isn’t really all that much fun for voters, but that kind of back stabbing is a long standing tradition among politicians in the U.S.  To abandon lying and cheating and replace it with dance moves shifts the election landscape in favor of folks who have physical coordination and that’s no way to choose a leader.”

“Dancing with the Stars” is a U.S. TV show based on the United Kingdom BBC Television series “Strictly Come Dancing” and is part of BBC Worldwide’s international “Dancing with the Stars” franchise.  The show pairs a celebrity with a professional dancer.  The professional dancer is responsible for teaching the celebrity how to perform specific dances, which the pair performs live on the show each week.  The dancers are scored by a panel of three professional ballroom judges.  Additionally, viewers of the program may vote by phone, text message, or online methods.  The team which receives the lowest total score (a combination of the judges’ scores and viewer votes) each week is eliminated from the competition.

The current season of the TV series is hosted by Emmy Award-winning game show host and television personality, Tom Bergeron, and E! reporter Samantha Harris. For the first three weeks of this season, season two celebrity champion Drew Lachey co-hosted with Bergeron while Harris was on maternity leave.  It appears that the presidential dancing judges may include some combination of Henry Kissinger, Chevy Chase, Jennifer Lopez and Sandra Day O’Connor.

In related news, politicians continue to dance around issues and Hillary Clinton is the clear front runner in dodging and weaving while the remaining candidates of all parties stare in disbelief at the spell Clintons’ dancing has cast on the media.  “They still worship the ground she dances on,” said Barack Obama during an interview at The Juilliard School of Dance and Pretending.  “You’d think all the lies and repositioning would catch up with her but she just keep spinning around and everyone seems mesmerized.  Guess I’d better get on the stick and start shuffling if I’m going to have a shot!”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on “Dancing with the Stars” to Determine U.S. Presidency

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid