Putin pissed at U.S. but likes fascism just fine

Consolidating Kremlin power good for freedom

Inebriated Press
November 27, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday accused the United States of trying to taint the legitimacy of upcoming Russian parliamentary elections by pressing a group of prominent independent election observers to abandon their attempts to monitor the campaign.  He didn’t mention the fact that the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (O.S.C.E.) decided to drop the effort on their own because Russia won’t allow them to fully staff the operation or to issue any reports about the outcome … rendering their effort meaningless.  Putin wants the group to show up anyway so he can claim that his party officials have been legitimately elected to office.  But only the free people seem bothered.

“President Putin is a legitimate dictator and doesn’t need anyone meddling in his affairs,” said Eyegor Udont, Putin’s close advisor and director of dissent management.  “There is no reason for anyone to question the authenticity of an election carefully controlled by our glorious president.  The world can be assured that everyone who’s vote we think should be counted; will in fact have their voted counted.”

The New York Times reported that the elections on Dec. 2 are widely expected to be monopolized by the dominant pro-Kremlin party, United Russia, coincidentally led this year by President Vladimir V. Putin.  The limits on observers reflect the Kremlin’s increasing control over the process.  Reuters reported that former world chess champion Garry Kasparov was arrested in Moscow for protesting the upcoming elections as being rigged.  Kremlin authorities say Kasparov is merely confused and needed to be jailed for his own protection.

“The chess champion is not very smart politically and doesn’t seem to understand the moves we need to make to effectively consolidate power,” said president Putin, pulling strings attached to several nearby officials and watching them jump up and down just for his amusement.  “There are protest groups that want to destabilize my election process by allowing competition and open dialogue on issues.  This is not good for Russia or the reassembling of the Soviet Union under my leadership.  Such silly impositions must be controlled for the good of the protestors.  I’m looking after Garry’s well being.  He’ll understand this after a few more nights in the jug.”

The election-monitoring arm of the O.S.C.E., the Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights, or O.D.I.H.R., announced on Nov. 16 that it was canceling its mission to Russia, saying that restrictions imposed by the Russian government had made it impossible for it to carry out its work. The U.S. State Department and numerous European diplomats supported their decision.

In other news, Russia continues to provide nuclear material and technical support to Iran and says its part of Russia’s effort to aid world peace by giving nukes to anti-democratic radicals.  “Look how calm things are where I’m involved,” said president Putin while arming Middle Eastern Islamofascists and killing Muslim’s in his own country who disagree with him.  “I know how to make this stuff work baby.  Trust me, trust me.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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