Daily Archives: November 28, 2007

Cheney sees nude Hillary photos, heart skips a beat

Characteristically tough against Dem’s, VP weakens when confronted with jugs

Inebriated Press
November 28, 2007

Cardiologists say Vice President Dick Cheney’s episode of irregular heart rhythm will not likely affect his immediate health — but the condition could point to a worsening of his continuing heart problems unless he stays away from certain Internet websites.  Earlier this year Bill Clinton sold shower photo’s of his wife and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to raise money after the arrest of Democrat fundraiser Norman Hsu.  Hsu was channeling funds to the Clinton’s using illegal methods.  Reportedly VP Cheney was doing “political research” when he stumbled upon the nude photo’s which caused the “fluttering” of his heart and another undisclosed organ.

“The Vice President is doing fine, is stable, and is again able to fit into his pants comfortably,” said a cardiologist at George Washington University Hospital covering his name tag.  “We momentarily flashed a picture of a fake newspaper declaring Hillary Clinton the new president of the United States and shocked the heart back into rhythm.  As long has he stays away from her nude pictures on the web and carries the fake newspaper around with him in case of an emergency, he should be okay.”

Cheney’s doctor detected his irregular heartbeat, technically known as atrial fibrillation, Monday morning when the vice president visited because of concerns over a lingering cough, believed to be from a cold.  During the exam he admitted that he began feeling “funny” after viewing the nude photos of Senator Clinton on his computer.

“We believe that his strong negative feelings about the politics of Democrats and Hillary in particular, clashed with the carnal feelings he began having toward the nude Democrat he was viewing in the shower photos,” said cardio-psychotherapist Larry Craig, currently a recovering Senator known to frequent airports.  “When the emotions crisscrossed his brain it resulted in the release of body chemicals causing his pants to feel uncomfortably tight.  Within moments his heart started misfiring.  As I understand it something similar used to happen during the Bill Clinton presidency, but Bill just took off his pants and relived the pressure.”

Still, cardiologists say the finding is not good news for Cheney.  “Looks like he likes something about Democrats after all,” said DNC chair Howard Dean.  “I always figured he had a weakness somewhere.  The DNC may send some female flashers to the Republican convention next year just to see what happens.”

In other news, Nancy Pelosi says she’s jealous that no one has posted nude photos of her online and may start a website of her own.  Barack Obama is reportedly considering releasing nude photos of himself so he can match Hillary point for point during the presidential race.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Babes and O.J. Simpson in Peanut Butter Scandal

Condiment tied to Las Vegas activity

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 28, 2007

Breaking news from Las Vegas later tonight will indicate a confusing love triangle involving women with various hair colors, O.J. Simpson and several brands of peanut butter.  Officials at ConAgra Foods deny any involvement by Peter Pan but insiders at several Vegas casinos say different.   An investigation by pharmaceutical companies is underway and is rumored to include four out of five dentists.  A reporter covering the Simpson trial initially broke the story.  We have exclusive coverage.

“I saw a blonde and a red head climb into a limo carrying several containers of peanut butter,” said the reporter who works for a major media network, but who refused to share their identity with us out of fear that someone reading this may know them.  “I’m almost positive that they were going to do something with it and I’d heard it had something to do with Peter Pan or O.J. Simpson.  I don’t know if it was a guy named Pan or the peanut butter, but I know that condiments involving nuts were tied to the planned activity.  I’m not sure if it was O.J. that was nuts or the peanut butter, I admit the details are sketchy but that’s usually for the best in this town.”

Subsequent statements and discussion about nuts and protein content revealed confusing details.  A bystander, who also refused to share his name with us, said that he had actually seen a blonde open the lid of a peanut butter container.  “I’ve no idea what she was planning to do with it, but I’m sure it was going to be disgusting,” said the unnamed person.  “And I know about disgusting because I spent a day O.J.’s trial in L.A.”

Peanut butter is a food paste made primarily from ground roasted peanuts, with or without added oil.  It is popular primarily in the United States, Australia, the United Kingdom, Canada, South Africa, Papua New Guinea, New Zealand, The Netherlands, the Philippines and Saudi Arabia.

O. J. Simpson is a retired American football player who achieved stardom as a running back at the collegiate and professional levels, and was the first NFL player to rush for more than 2,000 yards in a season.  Simpson is infamous for having been tried for the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman in 1994.  He was acquitted in criminal court in 1995 after a lengthy, highly publicized trial.  In 1997, Simpson was found liable for their deaths in civil court, but to date has paid little of the $33.5 million judgment.  In September 2007 Simpson faced more legal troubles, as he was arrested in Las Vegas and subsequently charged with numerous felonies including but not limited to robbery with a deadly weapon, burglary with a firearm, assault with a deadly weapon, first degree kidnapping with use of a deadly weapon (which carries a possible life sentence), coercion with use of a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, conspiracy to commit kidnapping, and conspiracy to commit a crime.

Disgust is an emotion that is typically associated with things that are perceived as unclean, inedible, or infectious.  In “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals”, Charles Darwin wrote that disgust refers to something revolting.  Primarily in relation to the sense of taste, as actually perceived or vividly imagined; and secondarily to anything which causes a similar feeling, through the sense of smell, touch, and even of eyesight.  Disgust is one of the basic emotions of Robert Plutchik’s theory of emotions.  Disgust invokes a characteristic facial expression, one of Paul Ekman’s six universal facial expressions of emotion.  The term has been used frequently to describe O.J. Simpson’s behavior and most of the trials he has participated in as a defendant.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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