Study: Rabbits More Dangerous Than Tigers

Fur linked to secrets of universe and psychic power

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 29, 2007

A recent study released by the University of Useless Facts in Toronto says that rabbits are more dangerous than tigers, are smarter than lemons and have sharper teeth than almost all oboes.   While some scientists debate the findings on religious grounds, others say it explains the disappearance of almost every well known celebrity of the past century.

“I’ve traced almost every career collapse involving a famous actor or actress to some form of rabbit incident,” said Skip Lee, a rabbit scientist at the Julliard School of Acting and Hare Care.  “Carrie Fisher played that babe Princess Leia in Star Wars.  She hit a rabbit on the way home one day and before she knew what hit her, her husband dumped her for a guy and she was left wondering what the hell had happened.  Benji Gregory, the kid who played Brian on ALF.  He eats rabbit one day on the set and he’s out of work.  Ends up joining the Navy for food money.  It’s the damn rabbits I’m telling you!”

Psychics have known about the power of rabbits for centuries.  Some have used them to explain everything from the future of the world to how to remove a ketchup stain from a blouse.  “Rabbits know the future and can remove stains without harming garments,” said psychic and faith-based launderer Craig Hamilton-Parker.  “They are quicker than chickens and less dangerous than the IRS.  Carefully and respectfully dealt with, a good rabbit will help you clean your undies and rule the known universe.”

Rabbits are small mammals in the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, and found in several parts of the world.  There are seven different genera in the family classified as rabbits, including the European rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus), cottontail rabbit (genus Sylvilagus; 13 species), and the Amami rabbit (Pentalagus furnessi, an endangered species on Amami Oshima, Japan). 

In related news, rabbits’ feet on key chains continues to bring luck to a few psychics and actors, but tends to depress most rabbits who would rather use them to hop around.

© 2007

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