Daily Archives: November 30, 2007

CIA to replace Bin Laden with Prostitute

New Google technology takes on al Qaeda

Inebriated Press
November 30, 2007

CNN reported yesterday that an audio message attributed to Osama bin Laden called on Europeans to abandon fighting in Afghanistan.  Reportedly the terrorist leader said that he alone should attack people and decide who has the right to live or die and that Westerners should stop bothering al Qaeda and the Taliban.  Meanwhile, Google Inc. is testing technology that will find the location of people using its mobile mapping service, even if the phone making the connection isn’t equipped with a GPS receiver.  The CIA has called on Google to help them find bin Laden and run a new “search and replace” feature so they can swap him out for a charitable Chilean prostitute.

“We’ve been working closely with Google on a new platform that combines their mobile phone mapping system with the search and replace technology of word processing software,” said Marshal McLuhan, a secret CIA operative and communications theorist currently moonlighting as a dead guy, but who keeps up with cutting edge communication technology and ways in which it can transform society.  “Once our system is ready we intend to run the mobile map/search and replace system and switch Bin Laden for that Chilean prostitute who sold 27 hours of sex for charity on Wednesday.  After we drop that bitch in there with those sex starved al Qaeda terrorists, that outfit will turn inside out.  Course the John’s in Chile will probably freak out when they realize they’re screwing Bin Laden, but what the hay.  It’s about time the bastard gets some comeuppance.”

Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the Chile, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to a televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.  Adult prostitution is legal in Chile. Chile’s two-day Telethon fundraiser is endorsed by television stars and aims to raise funds for poor, disabled children.

“I’ve already auctioned off the 27 hours of love,” Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday.  “I have a knack for good deeds and turning tricks.”

The new Google tracking feature introduced Wednesday is being touted as an added convenience because it will enable people on-the-go to skip the task of typing a starting address on a mobile handset’s small keys when they turn to Google’s maps for guidance.  Using the technology, dubbed “My Location,” simply requires pressing zero on a mobile handset equipped with the new software. The sender’s location shows up as a blue dot on Google’s mobile maps.

“We’ve got most of the bugs worked out of the mobile map/search and replace system,” said Google’s Sergey Brin, swapping Danny Devito for Nancy Pelosi and watching Devito take charge of Congress on C-Span while someplace in Hollywood Pelosi woke up necking with Rhea Perlman, Devitos’ wife.  “This is kind of fun.  The possibilities are endless.”

In other news, the Berkeley City Council approved a controversial plan Tuesday night to reduce sex on sidewalks and in parks.  The initiative, known as the Public Commons for Everyone Initiative, will provide more housing and benefits counseling.  “Maybe if we have the Chilean hooker counsel our citizens about her approach to sex they’ll start using a room,” said City Councilman Laurie Capitelli.  “I emailed Bin Laden about it, but he never got back to me.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Alert: Killer Frogs Attacking Americans

When you least expect it, they pounce
Never heard of this? No one survives to tell

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 30, 2007

Killer frogs are stalking Americans and the truth is being kept from you by the government.  This knowledge is the result of a new undercover investigation recently completed by former KGB agents now working for Israeli Intelligence secretly operating in North America.  Our own government has silenced all reports on the topic by squelching media reports and muting presidential candidates.  While drugs and illegal aliens pour into the U.S. unabated and the media dutifully reports it to American citizens, no one talks about the killer frogs already here.  Until now.  We’re taking the risk and letting you know the facts.

“Every frog can kill and most of them have,” said Cindy Brown, a KGB-Israeli scientist who recently changed her name from Sarah Newman so know one could identify her.  “They hop around on lily pads and people think of them as being harmless Mark-Twain-type-characters in jumping-races and stuff.  But the reality is that there are people pushing up daisies now because of the killer frogs.”

Officials of the federal government continue to deny the existence of killer frogs and wouldn’t speak on the record for this report.  Off-the-record one official said we were stupid to look into the story.  “You guys are morons,” she said, farting in our direction.  “If there were killer frogs you’d be dead and couldn’t tell the story.”  Without realizing what she’d done, this official confirmed what the KGB-Israeli investigation reported.  When encountering a frog intending to kill you, you die.  You don’t live to talk about it.  You’re simply history.

The frog is an amphibian in the order Anura (meaning “tail-less”, from Greek an-, without + oura, tail), formerly referred to as Salientia (Latin saltare, to jump). The name frog derives from Old English frogga, cognate with Sanskrit plava (frog), probably deriving from Proto-Indo-European praw = “to jump”.  Adult frogs are characterized by long hind legs, a short body, webbed digits, protruding eyes and the absence of a tail.  Most frogs have a semi-aquatic lifestyle, but move easily on land by jumping or climbing.  Meat-eating frogs have begun appearing in the U.S. this year.

In March 2007 Fox News reported that meat-eating killer frogs invaded a pond in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park, leaving environmentalists wondering how to stop their deadly march.  But they won’t be stopped.  And that’s what the government won’t tell you.  Islamofascists aside, killer frogs are the biggest threat to your life and future.  Shuck your cholesterol nervousness aside and keep your eyes peeled for the frogs.  Your government doesn’t know what the hell to do.  At least now you know what’s going on.

In other news, the federal government continues to keep secrets that you are “better off not knowing” and nine out of ten doctors admit that your longevity will be impacted more by your genetics than by anything you eat.  And that includes frogs.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid