Alert: Killer Frogs Attacking Americans

When you least expect it, they pounce
Never heard of this? No one survives to tell

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 30, 2007

Killer frogs are stalking Americans and the truth is being kept from you by the government.  This knowledge is the result of a new undercover investigation recently completed by former KGB agents now working for Israeli Intelligence secretly operating in North America.  Our own government has silenced all reports on the topic by squelching media reports and muting presidential candidates.  While drugs and illegal aliens pour into the U.S. unabated and the media dutifully reports it to American citizens, no one talks about the killer frogs already here.  Until now.  We’re taking the risk and letting you know the facts.

“Every frog can kill and most of them have,” said Cindy Brown, a KGB-Israeli scientist who recently changed her name from Sarah Newman so know one could identify her.  “They hop around on lily pads and people think of them as being harmless Mark-Twain-type-characters in jumping-races and stuff.  But the reality is that there are people pushing up daisies now because of the killer frogs.”

Officials of the federal government continue to deny the existence of killer frogs and wouldn’t speak on the record for this report.  Off-the-record one official said we were stupid to look into the story.  “You guys are morons,” she said, farting in our direction.  “If there were killer frogs you’d be dead and couldn’t tell the story.”  Without realizing what she’d done, this official confirmed what the KGB-Israeli investigation reported.  When encountering a frog intending to kill you, you die.  You don’t live to talk about it.  You’re simply history.

The frog is an amphibian in the order Anura (meaning “tail-less”, from Greek an-, without + oura, tail), formerly referred to as Salientia (Latin saltare, to jump). The name frog derives from Old English frogga, cognate with Sanskrit plava (frog), probably deriving from Proto-Indo-European praw = “to jump”.  Adult frogs are characterized by long hind legs, a short body, webbed digits, protruding eyes and the absence of a tail.  Most frogs have a semi-aquatic lifestyle, but move easily on land by jumping or climbing.  Meat-eating frogs have begun appearing in the U.S. this year.

In March 2007 Fox News reported that meat-eating killer frogs invaded a pond in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park, leaving environmentalists wondering how to stop their deadly march.  But they won’t be stopped.  And that’s what the government won’t tell you.  Islamofascists aside, killer frogs are the biggest threat to your life and future.  Shuck your cholesterol nervousness aside and keep your eyes peeled for the frogs.  Your government doesn’t know what the hell to do.  At least now you know what’s going on.

In other news, the federal government continues to keep secrets that you are “better off not knowing” and nine out of ten doctors admit that your longevity will be impacted more by your genetics than by anything you eat.  And that includes frogs.

© 2007

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