CIA to replace Bin Laden with Prostitute

New Google technology takes on al Qaeda

Inebriated Press
November 30, 2007

CNN reported yesterday that an audio message attributed to Osama bin Laden called on Europeans to abandon fighting in Afghanistan.  Reportedly the terrorist leader said that he alone should attack people and decide who has the right to live or die and that Westerners should stop bothering al Qaeda and the Taliban.  Meanwhile, Google Inc. is testing technology that will find the location of people using its mobile mapping service, even if the phone making the connection isn’t equipped with a GPS receiver.  The CIA has called on Google to help them find bin Laden and run a new “search and replace” feature so they can swap him out for a charitable Chilean prostitute.

“We’ve been working closely with Google on a new platform that combines their mobile phone mapping system with the search and replace technology of word processing software,” said Marshal McLuhan, a secret CIA operative and communications theorist currently moonlighting as a dead guy, but who keeps up with cutting edge communication technology and ways in which it can transform society.  “Once our system is ready we intend to run the mobile map/search and replace system and switch Bin Laden for that Chilean prostitute who sold 27 hours of sex for charity on Wednesday.  After we drop that bitch in there with those sex starved al Qaeda terrorists, that outfit will turn inside out.  Course the John’s in Chile will probably freak out when they realize they’re screwing Bin Laden, but what the hay.  It’s about time the bastard gets some comeuppance.”

Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the Chile, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to a televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.  Adult prostitution is legal in Chile. Chile’s two-day Telethon fundraiser is endorsed by television stars and aims to raise funds for poor, disabled children.

“I’ve already auctioned off the 27 hours of love,” Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday.  “I have a knack for good deeds and turning tricks.”

The new Google tracking feature introduced Wednesday is being touted as an added convenience because it will enable people on-the-go to skip the task of typing a starting address on a mobile handset’s small keys when they turn to Google’s maps for guidance.  Using the technology, dubbed “My Location,” simply requires pressing zero on a mobile handset equipped with the new software. The sender’s location shows up as a blue dot on Google’s mobile maps.

“We’ve got most of the bugs worked out of the mobile map/search and replace system,” said Google’s Sergey Brin, swapping Danny Devito for Nancy Pelosi and watching Devito take charge of Congress on C-Span while someplace in Hollywood Pelosi woke up necking with Rhea Perlman, Devitos’ wife.  “This is kind of fun.  The possibilities are endless.”

In other news, the Berkeley City Council approved a controversial plan Tuesday night to reduce sex on sidewalks and in parks.  The initiative, known as the Public Commons for Everyone Initiative, will provide more housing and benefits counseling.  “Maybe if we have the Chilean hooker counsel our citizens about her approach to sex they’ll start using a room,” said City Councilman Laurie Capitelli.  “I emailed Bin Laden about it, but he never got back to me.”

© 2007

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