Monthly Archives: December 2007

Designer Babies for Everyone

Deaf people want deaf babies; each to his own?

Inebriated Press
December 31, 2007

The UK’s Times Online reported last week that the chief executive of the Royal National Institute for Deaf and Hard of Hearing People said deaf parents should be allowed to screen their embryos so they can pick a deaf child over one that has all its senses intact.  Jackie Ballard said couples would prefer to create a child who is effectively disabled, to fit in better with the family lifestyle.  The idea is supported by organizations of crippled people as well as Alcoholics Anonymous.

“I grew up in a family of drunken and crippled people and I’m most comfortable having drunk crippled kids,” said Sam Spade, an alcoholic detective with a bad leg he got when he crashed while racing a fire truck for fun one day.  “Now that I want kids I should be able to have one that’s genetically altered to be born with a bad leg like mine.  I’d like that and believe it’s the right thing to do.” 

Not everyone agrees that genetics should be used to create designer babies, crippled or otherwise.  “We should continue to let random chance determine the sex and health of our kids and not try to change anything about them,” said Lucy Lu, an unknown Norwegian wrestler who would rather be an Asian actress.  “That’s the way I’ve approached my career and it’s the way everyone should live their lives.  The idea that we should try to influence the future in anyway is repulsive.  I’m a big fan of randomness and deny the whole cause and effect thing.”

To create a “designer baby” using preimplantation genetic diagnosis, couples need to go through in vitro fertilization (IVF) even if they could conceive naturally.  The embryos created are then genetically screened and normally only the healthy ones are implanted in the mother’s womb.  Doctors are opposed to creating deaf babies.  Professor Gedis Grudzinskas, medical director of the Bridge Centre, a clinic in London that screens embryos, said: “This would be an abuse of medical technology.  Deafness is not the normal state, it is a disability.   To deliberately create a deaf embryo would be contrary to the ethos of our society.”

But social activists say that not allowing deaf people or others with various mutations, to have children like themselves is discrimination and a violation of their civil rights.  As genetic manipulation continues to gain greater capability at less cost, more and more people will be able to afford to build their children and other life forms the way that they want.  Who will stop them, and should they be stopped? 

Up next, Einstein or Frankenstein, you make the call.

(C) 2007

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New Paris Hilton Sex Tape for Athletes

Tape holds jock and cup parts in place

Inebriated Press /Tabloid Division
December 31, 2007

Paris Hilton has teamed up with Nike and 3M to introduce a new adhesive tape that helps male athletes hold their jock straps and protective cups in place comfortably and without chaffing.  Called “Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape” it is grippy yet can be peeled free easily like a Post-it note.  Reportedly, athletes say that having a Paris Hilton holding their man-sex-package firmly in place is a dandy feeling.

“That tacky Paris Hilton Sex Tape keeps my balls snug when I’m playing sports or just thinking about it,” said amateur athlete Zesty Peterman, adjusting his set and smiling a lot.  “I think it’s the best thing invented since the tube sock.”

Paris Hilton, an American socialite and daughter of Richard Hilton heir to the Hilton Hotel chain, is widely known for her wild lifestyle and a sex tape released on the Internet some say for publicity reasons.  She is largely popular for popularity itself and has used it to do everything from modeling, to singing and writing.  Her wild partying and an alcohol-related reckless driving case ultimately put her in jail where she said she missed holding guys by the balls and ultimately came up with the idea that led to the Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape product.

“I really missed drinking and holding guys testicles in the palm of my hand when I was locked up in jail,” said Paris, munching on filberts and pondering the health benefits of tree nuts.  “That got me thinking about guys I’ve never met who have no one holding onto their parts and how uncomfortable that must be when they run and things start knocking around down there.  The next thing you know I’m thinking about stuffing Post-it notes in there to hold things in place.  One thought led to another.”

In related news, Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape will soon be available for Olympic athletes and will come with cute little flaming-torch patterns.

© 2007

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Sunday Toon ~ Taxes


© 2007

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WAC: Make Big Money in Pay Check Advance Business

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Easy Money Division
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 29, 2007

Sick of borrowing money to live on or working for a paycheck?  Tired of paying everybody else but not yourself?  Well turnabout is fair-play and now it’s good for fair-pay!

Make big money in the pay check advance business!

That’s right; now you can make big money by providing cash advances to others who need an advance on their paychecks.  And you get to keep 20% of their paycheck just for giving them $5-$20 advances with little risk!  No kidding, it’s that easy!

Get started in your own business now by investing in the easy to follow plans for only $100 and earn the money you deserve!

How can we provide such an amazing opportunity for only $100?  It may sound complicated but it’s actually pretty simple.  Our plans show you how to loan out small amounts of money on the promise that the borrower will sign over their paycheck to you.  When you cash that check you take out your fee and give them what’s left.  You provide a service and they give you money!  It’s really almost that easy!

Start your own paycheck advance business right away by sending $100 in cash to:

Ronco Media Easy Money Division
Attn: 401k contribution
Box 1234567
New York, New York 54321


Fine print:  Some risks like loss of money or being held up may apply.  Occasionally start-up cash may be necessary and simple robbery techniques are available to assist you if desired (see offer #2110 Ronco Media Fast Money Using Firearms).  Certain risks may apply and ownership of a handgun may be helpful.  Ronco Media isn’t responsible for anything.

© 2007

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Hillary Clinton Hires Pamela Anderson

Signs up breast consultant for election run

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 28, 2007

As Hillary Clinton’s popularity in Iowa faded in the polls political consultants dug deep and discovered a way back: cleavage.  A quick survey of the electorate found that many voters are positively influenced by cleavage and Hillary Clinton hasn’t been flashing much of it on the campaign trail.  Experts say that can be changed and with it her fortunes.  Yesterday the Clinton campaign hired Pamela Anderson, the chesty Baywatch gal whose popularity soared with her appearance in Playboy Magazine.  There are no plans to put Hillary in the publication, but there is a strategy that will have her strutting her stuff and catching renewed attention.

“When we started the Clinton for President Campaign we said it was about the issues and not about Hillary being a woman,” said Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle, adjusting her bra.  “But after the bump we got in the polls when Hillary said she was a woman trying to break into the boys club, and then the loss of traction we got when we tried just dodging the issues and talking trash instead, we decided to use sex as a weapon.  But really, what woman doesn’t?”

Clinton’s popularity started slipping as voters began to realize that she has no experience running anything let alone a state or country, and is basically just a manipulator who ignores ethics and does whatever it takes to win.  Pamela Anderson, besides being a hot babe, is known to be pretty smart.  The Campaign is counting on her to help Hillary become more popular while still avoiding the issues.

“Hillary isn’t bad looking for her age, and if we enhance her chest, or just bump up her cup size and then add a plunging neckline, we can ratchet up her popularity pretty quickly,” said Pam Anderson, changing the size of her breasts from DD to EE and then back again.  “She already has a lot of the women’s vote, now if we get the guys looking at her boobs and ignoring her politics, we think they’ll want to see her in office.  It’s really pretty simple … just like most of the guys I know.”

In related news, advisors to Barack Obama say he may start carrying zucchini’s in his pants pockets if it’ll help get more of the women’s vote.

© 2007

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Martian Evacuation Planned as Asteroid Closes In

Debate rages over resettlement plan for earth’s moon

Inebriated Press
December 28, 2007

U.S. astronomers say there is a chance an asteroid could hit the planet Mars by the end of next month.  Wary Martians are planning to bail out and intend to settle on earth’s moon.  But some lactose intolerant citizens don’t like the idea.

“There has got to be a planet with less cheese, and I don’t see why we can’t just go there,” said Vrbpt Jstkr, a Martian musician known for blowing glass and fooling NASA probes.  “I’m lactose intolerant and I’m afraid that all the moon cheese will make me break out with hives or make my sexual organs fall off.”

Stargazers in Arizona discovered a 50-meter wide asteroid in November that was designated “2007 WD5.”  Astronomers at the U.S. space agency NASA’s Near-Earth Object Office are tracking the object and say it may pass within 48,000 kilometers of Mars or even strike the planet by January 30.

“We think a quick move to earth’s moon is the best thing to do right now,” said Kbpv Tkbmr, a member of the Martian Council and an executive for U-Haul Mars Division.  “We know that we can sustain ourselves on all of moon’s cheese and while we’re there we might even find vowels we can pass on to our children.  There’s no point staying here and getting blasted by WD, some kind of penetrating oil based asteroid.”

Until scientists find something better the asteroid will continue to be known by the boring catalog name of 2007 WD-5.  WD-40 is the trademark of a widely used penetrating oil spray developed in 1953 by a guy named Norm Larsen.  It has many household uses and has never been known to have struck a planet.  It’s hoped that by the time WD-5 nears Mars, scientists will have come up with a plan and a better name.  Some scientists think that by using lasers they can turn it into penetrating oil.  No one is sure about the oil plan, but they are working on a new name.  Current ideas are “Asteroid Bob,” “Bad Ass Cindy,” and “Chesty McGee.”

In related news, there is no evidence to support the notion that too much cheese makes ones sexual organs fall off, but former U.S. president Bill Clinton says that there’s no point in taking chances.  He said he also likes the name “Chesty McGee” and would like to meet her.

(C) 2007

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Woman inhales small child

Arrested for kidnapping

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007

A senior citizen in Palm Beach, Florida accidentally inhaled an 11 month old girl yesterday outside a drug store.  After telling police that she could not dislodge the youngster from her left sinus, officers arrested the elderly woman and charged her with kidnapping.  Agnes Morland is currently being held in jail as the court ponders whether bail can be allowed a person who still has a victim in their possession.

“We’ve never experienced anything quite like this,” said Sergeant O’Gannon, a legal American citizen of Irish decent.  “If the old gal hadn’t admitted she had the kid up her nose we couldn’t hold her at all, but knowing the girl is up there we really can’t just turn her free.”

Reportedly the child’s parents were taking a walk when the baby carriage they were pushing hit a bump and the little girl popped up into the air just as the AARP member was taking a deep breath.  The parents were stunned to see their daughter disappear into the elderly woman’s nose and asked her to please give her back.  The woman was either unable to or refused to comply.

“She just stood their sniffing like she was congested with a cold,” one of the parents reportedly said, according to a nearby cat that refused to share her name because she is on the lam.  “We offered to buy her decongestant but she just starred into the distance, so we called the police.”

Inhaling children isn’t listed as an illegal act in Florida but holding them against their will is and can be construed as kidnapping.  Authorities aren’t sure how to proceed with the case since they haven’t seen evidence of the child in the woman’s nose and aren’t sure if it’s safe to X-ray it.  Prosecutors plan to decide if they will persue the case some time early next week and in the meanwhile are drinking heavily and shooting pool.

“Playing pool and drinking helps me relax,” said city prosecutor Leslie Nielson, an actor wannabee who likes string and collects it for fun.  “Maybe if we can kill enough time the old gal will just sneeze the kid out and we can all forget this ever happened.”

(C) 2007

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