Monthly Archives: December 2007

Designer Babies for Everyone

Deaf people want deaf babies; each to his own?

Inebriated Press
December 31, 2007

The UK’s Times Online reported last week that the chief executive of the Royal National Institute for Deaf and Hard of Hearing People said deaf parents should be allowed to screen their embryos so they can pick a deaf child over one that has all its senses intact.  Jackie Ballard said couples would prefer to create a child who is effectively disabled, to fit in better with the family lifestyle.  The idea is supported by organizations of crippled people as well as Alcoholics Anonymous.

“I grew up in a family of drunken and crippled people and I’m most comfortable having drunk crippled kids,” said Sam Spade, an alcoholic detective with a bad leg he got when he crashed while racing a fire truck for fun one day.  “Now that I want kids I should be able to have one that’s genetically altered to be born with a bad leg like mine.  I’d like that and believe it’s the right thing to do.” 

Not everyone agrees that genetics should be used to create designer babies, crippled or otherwise.  “We should continue to let random chance determine the sex and health of our kids and not try to change anything about them,” said Lucy Lu, an unknown Norwegian wrestler who would rather be an Asian actress.  “That’s the way I’ve approached my career and it’s the way everyone should live their lives.  The idea that we should try to influence the future in anyway is repulsive.  I’m a big fan of randomness and deny the whole cause and effect thing.”

To create a “designer baby” using preimplantation genetic diagnosis, couples need to go through in vitro fertilization (IVF) even if they could conceive naturally.  The embryos created are then genetically screened and normally only the healthy ones are implanted in the mother’s womb.  Doctors are opposed to creating deaf babies.  Professor Gedis Grudzinskas, medical director of the Bridge Centre, a clinic in London that screens embryos, said: “This would be an abuse of medical technology.  Deafness is not the normal state, it is a disability.   To deliberately create a deaf embryo would be contrary to the ethos of our society.”

But social activists say that not allowing deaf people or others with various mutations, to have children like themselves is discrimination and a violation of their civil rights.  As genetic manipulation continues to gain greater capability at less cost, more and more people will be able to afford to build their children and other life forms the way that they want.  Who will stop them, and should they be stopped? 

Up next, Einstein or Frankenstein, you make the call.

(C) 2007

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New Paris Hilton Sex Tape for Athletes

Tape holds jock and cup parts in place

Inebriated Press /Tabloid Division
December 31, 2007

Paris Hilton has teamed up with Nike and 3M to introduce a new adhesive tape that helps male athletes hold their jock straps and protective cups in place comfortably and without chaffing.  Called “Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape” it is grippy yet can be peeled free easily like a Post-it note.  Reportedly, athletes say that having a Paris Hilton holding their man-sex-package firmly in place is a dandy feeling.

“That tacky Paris Hilton Sex Tape keeps my balls snug when I’m playing sports or just thinking about it,” said amateur athlete Zesty Peterman, adjusting his set and smiling a lot.  “I think it’s the best thing invented since the tube sock.”

Paris Hilton, an American socialite and daughter of Richard Hilton heir to the Hilton Hotel chain, is widely known for her wild lifestyle and a sex tape released on the Internet some say for publicity reasons.  She is largely popular for popularity itself and has used it to do everything from modeling, to singing and writing.  Her wild partying and an alcohol-related reckless driving case ultimately put her in jail where she said she missed holding guys by the balls and ultimately came up with the idea that led to the Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape product.

“I really missed drinking and holding guys testicles in the palm of my hand when I was locked up in jail,” said Paris, munching on filberts and pondering the health benefits of tree nuts.  “That got me thinking about guys I’ve never met who have no one holding onto their parts and how uncomfortable that must be when they run and things start knocking around down there.  The next thing you know I’m thinking about stuffing Post-it notes in there to hold things in place.  One thought led to another.”

In related news, Paris Hilton Tacky Sex Tape will soon be available for Olympic athletes and will come with cute little flaming-torch patterns.

© 2007

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Sunday Toon ~ Taxes


© 2007

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WAC: Make Big Money in Pay Check Advance Business

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Easy Money Division
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 29, 2007

Sick of borrowing money to live on or working for a paycheck?  Tired of paying everybody else but not yourself?  Well turnabout is fair-play and now it’s good for fair-pay!

Make big money in the pay check advance business!

That’s right; now you can make big money by providing cash advances to others who need an advance on their paychecks.  And you get to keep 20% of their paycheck just for giving them $5-$20 advances with little risk!  No kidding, it’s that easy!

Get started in your own business now by investing in the easy to follow plans for only $100 and earn the money you deserve!

How can we provide such an amazing opportunity for only $100?  It may sound complicated but it’s actually pretty simple.  Our plans show you how to loan out small amounts of money on the promise that the borrower will sign over their paycheck to you.  When you cash that check you take out your fee and give them what’s left.  You provide a service and they give you money!  It’s really almost that easy!

Start your own paycheck advance business right away by sending $100 in cash to:

Ronco Media Easy Money Division
Attn: 401k contribution
Box 1234567
New York, New York 54321


Fine print:  Some risks like loss of money or being held up may apply.  Occasionally start-up cash may be necessary and simple robbery techniques are available to assist you if desired (see offer #2110 Ronco Media Fast Money Using Firearms).  Certain risks may apply and ownership of a handgun may be helpful.  Ronco Media isn’t responsible for anything.

© 2007

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Hillary Clinton Hires Pamela Anderson

Signs up breast consultant for election run

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 28, 2007

As Hillary Clinton’s popularity in Iowa faded in the polls political consultants dug deep and discovered a way back: cleavage.  A quick survey of the electorate found that many voters are positively influenced by cleavage and Hillary Clinton hasn’t been flashing much of it on the campaign trail.  Experts say that can be changed and with it her fortunes.  Yesterday the Clinton campaign hired Pamela Anderson, the chesty Baywatch gal whose popularity soared with her appearance in Playboy Magazine.  There are no plans to put Hillary in the publication, but there is a strategy that will have her strutting her stuff and catching renewed attention.

“When we started the Clinton for President Campaign we said it was about the issues and not about Hillary being a woman,” said Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle, adjusting her bra.  “But after the bump we got in the polls when Hillary said she was a woman trying to break into the boys club, and then the loss of traction we got when we tried just dodging the issues and talking trash instead, we decided to use sex as a weapon.  But really, what woman doesn’t?”

Clinton’s popularity started slipping as voters began to realize that she has no experience running anything let alone a state or country, and is basically just a manipulator who ignores ethics and does whatever it takes to win.  Pamela Anderson, besides being a hot babe, is known to be pretty smart.  The Campaign is counting on her to help Hillary become more popular while still avoiding the issues.

“Hillary isn’t bad looking for her age, and if we enhance her chest, or just bump up her cup size and then add a plunging neckline, we can ratchet up her popularity pretty quickly,” said Pam Anderson, changing the size of her breasts from DD to EE and then back again.  “She already has a lot of the women’s vote, now if we get the guys looking at her boobs and ignoring her politics, we think they’ll want to see her in office.  It’s really pretty simple … just like most of the guys I know.”

In related news, advisors to Barack Obama say he may start carrying zucchini’s in his pants pockets if it’ll help get more of the women’s vote.

© 2007

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Martian Evacuation Planned as Asteroid Closes In

Debate rages over resettlement plan for earth’s moon

Inebriated Press
December 28, 2007

U.S. astronomers say there is a chance an asteroid could hit the planet Mars by the end of next month.  Wary Martians are planning to bail out and intend to settle on earth’s moon.  But some lactose intolerant citizens don’t like the idea.

“There has got to be a planet with less cheese, and I don’t see why we can’t just go there,” said Vrbpt Jstkr, a Martian musician known for blowing glass and fooling NASA probes.  “I’m lactose intolerant and I’m afraid that all the moon cheese will make me break out with hives or make my sexual organs fall off.”

Stargazers in Arizona discovered a 50-meter wide asteroid in November that was designated “2007 WD5.”  Astronomers at the U.S. space agency NASA’s Near-Earth Object Office are tracking the object and say it may pass within 48,000 kilometers of Mars or even strike the planet by January 30.

“We think a quick move to earth’s moon is the best thing to do right now,” said Kbpv Tkbmr, a member of the Martian Council and an executive for U-Haul Mars Division.  “We know that we can sustain ourselves on all of moon’s cheese and while we’re there we might even find vowels we can pass on to our children.  There’s no point staying here and getting blasted by WD, some kind of penetrating oil based asteroid.”

Until scientists find something better the asteroid will continue to be known by the boring catalog name of 2007 WD-5.  WD-40 is the trademark of a widely used penetrating oil spray developed in 1953 by a guy named Norm Larsen.  It has many household uses and has never been known to have struck a planet.  It’s hoped that by the time WD-5 nears Mars, scientists will have come up with a plan and a better name.  Some scientists think that by using lasers they can turn it into penetrating oil.  No one is sure about the oil plan, but they are working on a new name.  Current ideas are “Asteroid Bob,” “Bad Ass Cindy,” and “Chesty McGee.”

In related news, there is no evidence to support the notion that too much cheese makes ones sexual organs fall off, but former U.S. president Bill Clinton says that there’s no point in taking chances.  He said he also likes the name “Chesty McGee” and would like to meet her.

(C) 2007

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Woman inhales small child

Arrested for kidnapping

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007

A senior citizen in Palm Beach, Florida accidentally inhaled an 11 month old girl yesterday outside a drug store.  After telling police that she could not dislodge the youngster from her left sinus, officers arrested the elderly woman and charged her with kidnapping.  Agnes Morland is currently being held in jail as the court ponders whether bail can be allowed a person who still has a victim in their possession.

“We’ve never experienced anything quite like this,” said Sergeant O’Gannon, a legal American citizen of Irish decent.  “If the old gal hadn’t admitted she had the kid up her nose we couldn’t hold her at all, but knowing the girl is up there we really can’t just turn her free.”

Reportedly the child’s parents were taking a walk when the baby carriage they were pushing hit a bump and the little girl popped up into the air just as the AARP member was taking a deep breath.  The parents were stunned to see their daughter disappear into the elderly woman’s nose and asked her to please give her back.  The woman was either unable to or refused to comply.

“She just stood their sniffing like she was congested with a cold,” one of the parents reportedly said, according to a nearby cat that refused to share her name because she is on the lam.  “We offered to buy her decongestant but she just starred into the distance, so we called the police.”

Inhaling children isn’t listed as an illegal act in Florida but holding them against their will is and can be construed as kidnapping.  Authorities aren’t sure how to proceed with the case since they haven’t seen evidence of the child in the woman’s nose and aren’t sure if it’s safe to X-ray it.  Prosecutors plan to decide if they will persue the case some time early next week and in the meanwhile are drinking heavily and shooting pool.

“Playing pool and drinking helps me relax,” said city prosecutor Leslie Nielson, an actor wannabee who likes string and collects it for fun.  “Maybe if we can kill enough time the old gal will just sneeze the kid out and we can all forget this ever happened.”

(C) 2007

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Babes, Bombs and B Movies

Finding the innate genius of college guys

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007

A recent study of male college students has determined that eighty percent of their mental capacity is currently dominated by thoughts of women, explosions and bad movies.  Scientists at the University of Delaware’s Institute of Washable Cotton say that young college guys are lucky to learn anything at all once the portion of the brain used to forage for food is included in the equation.  But college guys say they’re doing fine and should be left alone.

“Sure I like to see stuff get blown up and look at babes and watch bad movies,” said Kevin Klutz, a student with a 3.6 GPA, a 99 degree temperature and a penchant for dropping things.  “But I’m pretty efficient because some bad movies I watch have both babes and explosions and I can watch it while eating.  That leaves me plenty of extra brain power to think about calculus later on.”

Scientists looking for the nature of genius were puzzled by activities exhibited by people like Albert Einstein, Madame Curie and Robert Oppenheimer and decided to look for evidence of it in what they call the “developing brain” of college students.  Some grew fascinated by the young male brain and decided to see if they could figure out what was going on in there.

“Other than learning that young guy’s brains are dominated by stuff that appears irrelevant to true genius, we really haven’t figured out much of anything,” said Novosti Miller, a Russian neuroscientist and beer salesman.  “But as near as I can tell my part-time job as a brewer is safe for the foreseeable future.”

Not everyone was shocked to learn how little was going on in young guys’ minds or what the focus was.  “If you’ve ever spent five minutes with a guy in school you know what they’re interested in,” said Heather Wilson, a coed at the University of Ohio currently majoring in the color red.  “It doesn’t take a scientific study to know what’s going on in between their ears.  All I have to do is light some fire crackers and wear a tube top and they show up like ants at a picnic.”

In related news, past studies that have shown human beings only use one third of our brains are now being reconsidered.  Some scientists believe that college guys are using that part of their brains to think about babes and explosions and actually have just as much mental capacity left to focus on school work as most Americans work with while on the job.  Several women’s groups are questioning this and claim that seventy percent of all guys’ brains are used to contemplate breasts.  Most guys groups agree but don’t want to brag.

© 2007

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9-11, Good, Evil & Revisionist History: A Christmas Story

Can politics and bureaucracy keep you safe and free?
Or might it take steel eyed realists willing to do hard things when necessary?

Inebriated Press / Division of Rant (with no pretzels)
December 26, 2007

It’s the Christmas Season, Circa 2007.  And freedom, democracy and individual rights are still synonymous with the United States of America.  Do we appreciate the gift we have and what it cost?  Will we protect it, exchange it or lose it for lack of attention?  Bureaucracy and schisms have always threatened clear thinking and the past 200 years of American history has its share of it.  Is this generation ready to defend what past generations have fought and died for?  There are men and women putting their lives on the line for it today.  So the answer is, “yes”.  But there are also activists and historical revisionists trying to twist our recent past and convince us that we didn’t really have to take serious action to discover actionable intelligence and stop terrorists.  Will we buy what they’re selling?

As the World Trade Center buildings fell in New York City on 9-11-2001 Americans began to grasp the reality of mass terrorism on American soil.  And on the heals of that day, as the shock shifted to anger and politics were set aside and nerves were steeled and minds sharpened and decisions made to find those who perpetuated the violence, stop them and make sure it never happened again; hard and cold and clear action was initiated.  As a result of those actions, to date, no successful Islamofascist attacks have been successfully carried out on U.S. soil.  Other things have happened too: a dictator toppled and a rogue state run by terrorists unseated and a struggling democracy begun in the Middle East. 

Since that time there have been terrorist schemes planned but uncovered in various countries, each one seeking to attack the U.S. or its allies — most plans against allies were halted – all of them against America stopped.  Debate over what ought to have been done after 9-11 goes on, but no one can argue the results on American soil: American might, intelligence and the Grace of God, has thus far stopped new incidence of radical Muslim terrorism against our country.  And as our memories fade and politics heat up, activists, naysayer’s and liberal hacks, now residing in safety and comfort, raise their heads and seek to revise history. 

Water-boarding terrorists is condemned now — and supposedly always has been – by those who want terrorists treated like hard working Americans with a traffic ticket.  The Bush Administration has agreed never to allow water-boarding again.  That despite it being key to stopping specific terrorism and the resulting capture of both terrorists and their plans.  CIA erased taped interrogation of terrorists and now they’re on notice by politicians and activists that even though the 911 Commission closed on August 21, 2004, CIA should keep stuff around that future leaders may wish to use against them.  And so the worm turns. 

In times of war the civil nature of men and women are set aside out of necessity and killing is no longer illegal, it is expected and even required.  When an enemy bent on killing you proves their motives, the options become uncomfortably simple: kill or be killed.  Theoreticians and pacifists who disagree are alive today and free to voice their opinions only because there were others who have defended that liberty with their lives.  The power of niceness pales before Nazi’s who gas Jews and Islamofascists who saw the heads off of journalists and captured soldiers.   Unfortunately the subjugation and often the death of evil people is required to bring civility, peace and freedom back to societies and countries.

It may seem convenient to say that no evil can come where niceness prevails but that is ignoring reality.  Evil exists in the world and oftentimes it takes violence to quell it.  There is legitimate concern that we must walk a thin line and not become evil when crushing evil.  And care must be taken.  But on no account should we lay down our arms, our techniques or our guard when confronting and ending it.  And to turn against the men and women of the CIA, FBI, U.S. Military or Law Enforcement and seek to revise what happened or reinterpret the actions we expected and asked them to do on our behalf, is not only wrong it is foolish and short-sited.

Can politicians and bureaucrats protect us, or does it take steel eyed intelligence professionals who do what they’re asked to do, following the rules and walking the edge of amorality?  It is dicey to be sure, but such is the nature of life in the jungle.  Across time and space a beautiful anomaly on planet earth appeared: the United States of America, a constitution-based federal republic with a strong democratic tradition, founded upon the ideas of mainly Judeo-Christians having fled Europe because of religious persecution.  It has existed for a slight 231 years.  Will it stand forever?  Only if we defend it.

The old timers who said “freedom isn’t free” weren’t making talk to kill time.  They were those who had killed in the name of freedom and understood its cost. 

It’s Christmas time.  It’s the holiday season.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy your freedom.  And when you have a moment, thank God for what you have.  Remember what the gift cost.  And do what you can to pass it on to those who come after you.

Maybe I’m sober after all.

(C) 2007

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Plutonium Grows on Trees in Fiji

Island nation gets the bomb
Iran fears attack by berserk bongo players with nukes

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 26, 2007

Robert Gates, U.S. Secretary of Defense acknowledged today that the Republic of Fiji has developed a nuclear bomb.  Experts at the U.S. Department of Agriculture said that tests show plutonium is being produced by a type of palm tree on the islands and the islanders are using wooden spoons and ceramic bowls to convert it into nuclear material.  Reportedly the government of Iran wants to get its own nuke as quickly as possible citing fear of an attack by Fiji, a country that Iran has frequently criticized for being too relaxed.  The government of Fiji says there’s nothing to worry about.

“It’s true that we’ve manufactured tree juice into plutonium and have converted coconuts into nuclear bombs,” said Fiji’s President Ratu Josefa Iloilo, chugging a Rum Slurpy.  “But we have no expansionist plans or a desire to force goofy Europeans or Americans to act like laid back islanders.  I admit I’d probably blow up some of those Iranian assholes if I could, but I don’t think all of them are bad.”

Plutonium was accidentally discovered growing in palm trees on the island when one of the citizens tried making a new fermented drink from tree bark and during the distilling process he destroyed two thirds of one of the islands.  The accident caused investigators to take a closer look at what had actually happened to see whether a new drink could be developed that was potent, but destroyed less personal property.

“We couldn’t determine what kind of alcohol was being produced so we hired some experts from China to take a look at the new beverage,” said Nho Cola, a local drunk and current head of Fiji’s nuclear program.  “One of them took a drink and lit a cigar and half the building vaporized.  After that we decided to be more careful.”

In other news, nuclear weapons continue to be pursued by Middle Eastern terrorists and spunky beverages still enamor most laid back islanders.   The U.S. Defense Department is trying to figure out how to get terrorists in the Middle East to become more laid back and pursue adult beverages.  So far efforts have moved very slowly.

© 2007

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God comes to earth; Islamofascists lose bet

Christmas story turns out accurate

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 25, 2007

Stunned Islamofascists were disappointed to learn that Jesus the Christ was God come to earth a couple of thousand years ago, and that He’ll come again in Glory on the Last Day.  Religious experts say that’s how it came down and will come down, but radical Muslims vow to continue killing Jews, Christians and each other for as long as possible and hope to offset efforts by some to bring peace on earth and good will toward men.

“The idea of someone showing up who doesn’t want to exterminate all men, women and children who disagree with me is anathema and such a being should lose its head,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, beating a woman raped by five men because she was too cute.  “There should be no peace until all of humankind is brought under my view of the way things ought to be and I’ll have anyone who disagrees with that beheaded or nuked, god willing.”

Religious scholars have debated the Christmas Story for generations and while some have concluded that Jesus, known as The Christ or Messiah, was in fact God come to earth in fulfillment of Jewish prophet’s predictions and prophecies, others think he was just some guy with a god complex.  Islamofascists say that a person named Jesus was born, but was just a nice guy whose actions like healing the sick and bringing the dead back to life were designed to kill time during a boring era of Roman conquest, and he was not there to prove he was God as he claimed to be, or to die for anyone’s sins and save them from eternal damnation.  Atheists and agnostics also say Jesus was a nice guy, but say his rising from the dead was just a fluke.  Other religious leaders aren’t sure what to think, but will stick to their own views of life, death and eternity until something that proves different in some unarguable way comes along.

“It takes a lot more faith to believe there’s an eternal god who created humankind and bestowed genius and free will than it does to believe humans exist by accident with opposable thumbs, and the ability to have sex and play baseball,” said Zippy the Squirrel, a scientist and theorist whose belief that life, wisdom and love developed accidentally from a stick of chewing gum that has existed forever as the essence of matter, time and space.  “I worship the Wrigley Chewing Gum Company because they are the true religion that has evolved out of the essence of my god, the eternal stick of gum.  It is from gum that we have chewing and saliva and with the evolution of spearmint in 1893, even fresher breath.”

In related news, faith in a Supreme Being continues to survive in the new century, and nine out of ten Islamofascists still prefer beating attractive rape victims for reasons that most gum chewers are unable to understand.

© 2007

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TIME Mag’s Person of Year Lashes out at U.S.

Says only American journalists understand him

Inebriated Press / Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 24, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the United States last week of trying to undermine Russia’s plan for global dominance and said Washington was trying to harm Moscow’s attempts to build friendships with Islamofascists.  Named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year last Wednesday, Putin said that U.S. leaders should listen to journalist’s who like him and continually bash American government and prodemocracy efforts.

“The U.S. has been a real irritant to those of us on the globe busily consolidating our personal power as well as developing and encouraging nuclear and chemical devises,” said the Person of The Year, scratching all of his itches at once.  “The U.S. has destabilized a peaceful Middle East with ideas of freedom and has gone so far as to criticize classic beheadings of noncombatants and the traditional beating of rape victims.  And they have the nerve to tell me to stop selling nuclear material and technology to rogue states.  Only TIME magazine and other American journalists who prefer socialism and powerful dictatorships over silly democratic freedoms really understand what I’m about.  Only they will receive my cheerful anti-Christian Christmas cards this year.  The rest get nothing, the bastards.”

TIME Magazine announced Putin as their Person of the Year last week and then spent the balance of the week explaining and defending their choice.  “We named Princess Diana our Person of the Year and no one seemed to mind,” said TIME’s Yuri Zarakhovich, reporting from inside Russia, desperately ignoring the Putin controlled Russian media’s orgasmic reaction to TIME’s announcement.  “In addition to all the nice things we said about Putin, we also said some negative stuff.   Heck, who am I kidding.  After the assassination of Russia’s Forbes editor and a bunch of others, TIME is naming the son of a bitch Person of The Year and damn it, I’m still alive and reporting from Moscow.  Now let me alone.”

The former chief editor of “Forbes Russia”, Paul Klebnikov, an American citizen of Russian origin, was murdered in Moscow on July 9, 2004. The crime remains unsolved. New York Magazine wrote, “he had left New York and gone to Russia as a reformer, an investigative reporter committed to using the power of the press to stop a new class of oligarchs from ransacking the country under the guise of capitalism.”

Richard Behar of Project Klebnikov wrote in July 2005, on the one-year anniversary of Khlebnikov’s death, “At least 12 reporters have been murdered in contract-style hits since the Putin government came to power – the latest on June 28 – and not a single case has been solved, according to the Committee to Protect Journalists, which just completed a conference in Moscow with the families of the victims.  As Paul himself wrote about how the big business of murder was undermining Russia: ‘The police solve only a fraction of these contract killings.  There simply is no political will to enforce the law’.”

0n Oct. 7, 2006, Putin’s birthday, Russian journalist and mother of two children Anna Politkovskaya was shot four times in the elevator of her building in Moscow in a political assassination.  She had been planning to release a story the next day in one of the few remaining independent papers, Novaya Gazeta, outlining torture practices used by Chechen authorities, who function as Russia’s henchmen.  She published several award-winning books about Chechnya, life in Russia, and President Putin’s regime, including one just prior to her murder called, “Putin’s Russia”.

In related news, Edmund Burke once said, “The only think necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”  But perhaps doing nothing is better than advancing the illusion that evil is good.

© 2007

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