Daily Archives: December 3, 2007

Free the Islamofascists; Lock up the Teachers with Teddy Bears

Brit locked up over stuffed animal, killers freed because they’re ‘sorry’

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2007

Saudi Arabia, waging a crackdown on Islamist militants that has lasted for more than four years, has released some 1,500 jailed suspects after they “repented,” a newspaper said last week. And a Sudanese court found a British teacher guilty of insulting religion and sentenced her to 15 days in prison for allowing 7-year olds to name a teddy bear “Mohammed,” British authorities and her lawyer reported.  Some feel that common sense has finally taken hold. 

“It’s about time people start thinking clearly like this,” said Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, beating a teddy bear into submission and stirring a vat of plutonium “fudge” for tricks or treats.  “After we slap a veil on the bitch and lock her up, meet me down at the square and we’ll shoot guns into the air and celebrate the freeing of the poor bastards who want to kill all of the infidels.”

The Saudi Arabian newspaper Al-Watan said the 1,500 militants changed their views and renounced Saudi-born Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s call on his followers to “cleanse the Arabian Peninsula of polytheists.”  The ideology is espoused by militants advocating the use of force to overthrow regimes deemed corrupt, unrepresentative or too pacifist and to establish a single Islamic state.

“We decided to say ‘sorry’ and get out of prison so we can get back to work,” said I-Kilu Layter, an Islamofascist who is misunderstood by Westerners who lack the tolerance needed to grasp the peaceful intention behind his plan to behead everyone who doesn’t agree with him.  “We don’t like to lie about our feelings but decided it was more important to get back to killing people on behalf of our beliefs.  It was the greater good.”

British teacher Gillian Gibbons, 54, was arrested in Sudan after she asked her class of 7-year-olds in Khartoum to name the stuffed animal as part of a school project, the British Foreign Office said.  She faced charges under Article 125 of Sudan’s constitution, the law relating to insulting religion and inciting hatred.  Gibbons could have faced a sentence of 40 lashes, a fine, or a jail term of up to a year.  Gibbons has been working at the school since August, after leaving her position as deputy head teacher at a primary school in Liverpool, England, this summer.

“I just thought I’d help the kids in Sudan by giving them an education,” said Gibbons, taking cover behind Winnie the Pooh.  “I guess I’m the one who learned the lesson.”

In other news, idiots continue to do dumb shit but if it’s sanctioned by radical Middle Eastern governments it’s not only fine, it’s the will of god.  Anyone who disagrees with that statement should be shot for lacking tolerance.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Madonna Wants Arabs and Cats Dead

Has had enough of both
Starts New Religious Cult

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 3, 2007

Entertainment Weekly in conjunction with Reuters International reported today that pop star Madonna has established a new religious cult with the objective of killing all cats and people of Arabic decent.   Reportedly she says she’s tired of both and wants them wiped off the face of the earth.  Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was suing Madonna because she was taking his idea for Jews and pigs.  Debate is raging over who’s idea should be carried out.

“Clearly my idea should be followed because I announced it before Madonna did, and the killing of Jews and pigs is really a time honored tradition that has been followed by many noble cultures across the centuries,” said the Iranian President, chucking a can of Hormel Spam into a nearby dumpster and then washing his hands in disinfectant and rinsing them in the blood of an Iranian who wasn’t gay but thought he was.  “Besides, pop singers who advocate the extermination of any people or species should always be subjugated to Middle Eastern leaders with countries who have a tradition of whipping women if they’re raped for looking cute and beheading infidels at will.”

The term “cult” roughly refers to a cohesive social group devoted to beliefs or practices that the surrounding culture considers outside the mainstream, with a notably positive or negative popular perception.  In common or populist usage, “cult” has a positive connotation for groups of art, music, writing, fiction, and fashion devotees, but a negative connotation for new religious, extreme political, questionable therapeutic, and pyramidal business groups.  For this reason, most, if not all, non-fan groups that are called cults reject this label.  Since most Islamofascists are supported by full fledged countries like Iran or religious leaders from mainstream Middle Eastern countries, the term “cult” doesn’t apply to them.  Interestingly the Nazi’s weren’t a cult either after they took over Germany and began exterminating Jews as a form of popular expression.

In other news, Madonna denies that she wants cats or Arabs wiped out but said she is rethinking that opinion as it relates to Ahmadinejad personally, having heard his views on humanity and “common sense”.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid