Daily Archives: December 4, 2007

Chimps are smarter than humans

Reality TV backs it up

Inebriated Press
December 4, 2007

Researcher Tetsuro Matsuzawa, director of the Primate Research Institute of Kyoto University in Japan has completed tests that show young chimps have an extraordinary ability to remember numerals, and recall them even better than human adults do.  Some biologists say humans remain superior in cognitive functions, but researchers who tuned in to “reality” television programs aren’t so sure.

“The tests reveal a mental capacity that rivals humans in its own right and when comparing chimps’ social behavior with that of humans like Britney Spears, Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton, the chimps come out on top,” said scientist and denture wearer I.M. Golden.  “Throw in reality television and the Democrat plan for universal healthcare, and the chimps are miles ahead of humans.”

But not everyone thinks the chimps can out think human beings.  “Chimps don’t have defense funds for murderers because they’re not smart enough,” said Natalie Maines, a Dixie Chick singer who’s been contemplating murder and a way out.  “I hate America because we lock up killers based on something called ‘evidence’.  It’s time we bring this silly stuff to an end.”

Japanese researchers pitted young chimps against human adults in two tests of short-term memory, and overall, the chimps won.  And Fox News reports that the Dixie Chicks have a new controversy on their hands.  Lead singer Natalie Maines is urging people to contribute money to a defense fund for three Arkansas men that she believes were wrongly convicted of killing three children in 1993.

“I saw some HBO programs about the kids being killed and think the guys who were convicted should be let go,” said Maines, completely confident that anything she sees on television is factual.  “I still think America sucks and so does George Bush.  I haven’t seen anything on HBO to convince me otherwise.”

In other news, the Dixie chicks are really young women and not chickens that live in the south.  That’s according to a report recently released by some chimps who are trying to clear up confusion in the entertainment industry.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Ducks are people too

Geneticist makes amazing discovery

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 4, 2007

Ducks are actually humans but in feathered clothing.  That’s a startling new fact recently discovered by a geneticist at the University of Undiscovered Problems.  Duck hunters are denying the new reality, but genetic experts and TV talk show hosts support the findings.

“I’ve always been suspicious that ducks were children wearing goose down comforters,” said Oprah Winfrey, spinning in a circle like a top.  “This report makes the most sense of anything I’ve heard outside of presidential politics.”

Geneticists have long believed that there are similarities between human beings and ducks, but only recently began to think they were the same; except that people tend to wear fewer feathers.  The study took place over a period of five days and involved fifteen Mallard ducks and fifteen preschoolers.  After several attempts to make the ducks and kids write letters and try on red sweaters, researchers decided both species were actually the same.

“It’s uncanny the way the ducks waddle around on two feet and so do the kids,” said genetics expert and Indian faith healer Desi Arnez.  “After watching them for a couple of days it was a small step to conclude that they were the same.  It was actually Tom Jones idea, but I went along with it.  It made a lot of sense.” 

But not everyone agrees.  “Ducks and people are not the same,” said Uncle Scrooge, a part human part duck who made millions in undisclosed ventures related to the Disney Company.  “It’s true that there are similarities, and that’s especially true of us cartoon characters, but in the end people can’t grow feathers and that’s the real difference.”

In related news, U.S. presidential candidates support having ducks declared as humans as long as they can vote as members of their party.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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