Chimps are smarter than humans

Reality TV backs it up

Inebriated Press
December 4, 2007

Researcher Tetsuro Matsuzawa, director of the Primate Research Institute of Kyoto University in Japan has completed tests that show young chimps have an extraordinary ability to remember numerals, and recall them even better than human adults do.  Some biologists say humans remain superior in cognitive functions, but researchers who tuned in to “reality” television programs aren’t so sure.

“The tests reveal a mental capacity that rivals humans in its own right and when comparing chimps’ social behavior with that of humans like Britney Spears, Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton, the chimps come out on top,” said scientist and denture wearer I.M. Golden.  “Throw in reality television and the Democrat plan for universal healthcare, and the chimps are miles ahead of humans.”

But not everyone thinks the chimps can out think human beings.  “Chimps don’t have defense funds for murderers because they’re not smart enough,” said Natalie Maines, a Dixie Chick singer who’s been contemplating murder and a way out.  “I hate America because we lock up killers based on something called ‘evidence’.  It’s time we bring this silly stuff to an end.”

Japanese researchers pitted young chimps against human adults in two tests of short-term memory, and overall, the chimps won.  And Fox News reports that the Dixie Chicks have a new controversy on their hands.  Lead singer Natalie Maines is urging people to contribute money to a defense fund for three Arkansas men that she believes were wrongly convicted of killing three children in 1993.

“I saw some HBO programs about the kids being killed and think the guys who were convicted should be let go,” said Maines, completely confident that anything she sees on television is factual.  “I still think America sucks and so does George Bush.  I haven’t seen anything on HBO to convince me otherwise.”

In other news, the Dixie chicks are really young women and not chickens that live in the south.  That’s according to a report recently released by some chimps who are trying to clear up confusion in the entertainment industry.

© 2007

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