Geneticist makes amazing discovery
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 4, 2007
Ducks are actually humans but in feathered clothing. That’s a startling new fact recently discovered by a geneticist at the University of Undiscovered Problems. Duck hunters are denying the new reality, but genetic experts and TV talk show hosts support the findings.
“I’ve always been suspicious that ducks were children wearing goose down comforters,” said Oprah Winfrey, spinning in a circle like a top. “This report makes the most sense of anything I’ve heard outside of presidential politics.”
Geneticists have long believed that there are similarities between human beings and ducks, but only recently began to think they were the same; except that people tend to wear fewer feathers. The study took place over a period of five days and involved fifteen Mallard ducks and fifteen preschoolers. After several attempts to make the ducks and kids write letters and try on red sweaters, researchers decided both species were actually the same.
“It’s uncanny the way the ducks waddle around on two feet and so do the kids,” said genetics expert and Indian faith healer Desi Arnez. “After watching them for a couple of days it was a small step to conclude that they were the same. It was actually Tom Jones idea, but I went along with it. It made a lot of sense.”
But not everyone agrees. “Ducks and people are not the same,” said Uncle Scrooge, a part human part duck who made millions in undisclosed ventures related to the Disney Company. “It’s true that there are similarities, and that’s especially true of us cartoon characters, but in the end people can’t grow feathers and that’s the real difference.”
In related news, U.S. presidential candidates support having ducks declared as humans as long as they can vote as members of their party.
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