Daily Archives: December 6, 2007

Ronald McDonald to pose nude for PETA

Signs on to anti-fur effort

Inebriated Press
December 6, 2007

Bowing under pressure from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) McDonald’s spokesperson Ronald McDonald has agreed to turn activist and fight all humans and animals who wear fur for any reason.  As part of the PETA program, Ronald said he is willing to pose nude with Pamela Anderson and any other hot babe they can line up.

“I decided it was time to turn over a new leaf and start spending time naked with Pamela Anderson,” said Ronald McDonald, speaking at Gold’s Gym where he was working off a couple burgers and fries.  “It’s going to be rough but someone has got to do it.  I just hope she’s up for a little wrestling in vegetable oil afterward.”

PETA has submitted a shareholder resolution to McDonald’s encouraging the company to buy 5 percent of its eggs from non fur wearing chickens that are allowed to roam around the countryside.  They say that chickens that live indoors aren’t in their natural wilderness habitat and get bored watching reality television.

“Wild chickens should roam the plains the way they did back before the white man came to America and captured them and put them inside out of the summer heat and freezing winter temperatures,” said PETA activist and co-founder Ingrid Newkirk, tossing baby chicks into the Brazilian rain forest for their safety and freedom.  “Humankind shouldn’t eat meat and when the U.S. elects a PETA backer as president we’ll have everyone’s incisors removed as part of a new health care initiative.  Humans are the only deviant that evolution has produced and we must be squelched of our natural tendency to eat steak and cheeseburgers.  We should only eat plants properly euthanized before harvesting.  I have guilt about that too, but eating only rocks gets me no nutrition at all.  Actually, the whole idea of eating revolts me.  I quit for a while but it didn’t work out.”

Not everyone thinks Ronald McDonald should pose nude, or that PETA has a clue to what’s going on.  “While I agree that chickens should be allowed to freely roam our cities and streets, I’ve got to draw the line at seeing Ronald in the buff,” said hotel critic and denture wearer Robert Macon.  “There are some things that no animal or human being should be exposed to and seeing Ronald without clothes on is one of them.  On the other hand I think Pamela Anderson should protest nude as often and as freely as possible.  Believe me I’ll come to every rally she holds while naked and will even put down my burger long enough to hoot and make animal noises.”

In related news, most consumers agree that free roaming chickens are okay if they keep out from under moving cars, but aren’t sure whether the same holds true for most PETA activists.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Saddam Hussein survived hanging

Currently works at a drive-in restaurant in Iowa

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 6, 2007

Saddam Hussein the Iraqi dictator is alive and working at a Sonics Drive-in Restaurant in Sioux City, Iowa, according to an Inebriated investigative reporter.  The Iraqi leader was hanged by his countrymen in 2006 after a trial proving that he bombed his own citizens with poison gas ‘just for fun’.  Hussein argued that killing one another is a time honored Middle Eastern tradition; the Iraqi government agreed, but bowed to Western pressure and decided to hang him anyway.  Inebriated reporter Yoko Ono said Hussein lived through the ordeal and after being smuggled into the U.S. via Mexico is now working in the fast food industry.

“He’s serving burgers and fries at a drive-in and wears roller skates to get around,” said reporter Ono, humming the Beatle’s tune ‘Yesterday’.  “He’s a good server and quick on the skates.  He did a figure eight and hooked the tray with my chow on it all in one motion.  That Sonic stuff is darn tasty too.”

Critics of ridiculous claims say it’s not Hussein.  “Hussein was hanged until he was dead,” said B. R. Crysler a film critic and guy who doubts everything except that Elvis is alive and living in Alabama.  “If Hussein was alive he’d be selling pharmaceuticals at Walgreen’s where he wouldn’t have to wear roller skates.  I know the guy; he’s not the kind who wears skates.”

Saddam Hussein was the President of Iraq from July 16, 1979, until April 9, 2003.  Captured by U.S. forces on December 13, 2003, Saddam was brought to trial under the Iraqi interim government set up by U.S.-led forces.  On November 5, 2006, he was convicted of charges related to the executions of 148 Iraqi Shi’ites suspected of planning an assassination attempt against him, and was sentenced to death by hanging.  Sonic Corporation is an American fast-food restaurant chain based in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, that creates the drive-in diner feel of the 1950s, complete with carhops who often wear roller skates. There were 3,290 restaurants in 34 states, plus one in Mexico, as of May 31, 2007.

In other news, Yoko Ono claims she’s not an Inebriated reporter and has never met Saddam Hussein at a drive-in restaurant, but supporters of the theory of relativity say that darn near anything is possible.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid