Ronald McDonald to pose nude for PETA

Signs on to anti-fur effort

Inebriated Press
December 6, 2007

Bowing under pressure from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) McDonald’s spokesperson Ronald McDonald has agreed to turn activist and fight all humans and animals who wear fur for any reason.  As part of the PETA program, Ronald said he is willing to pose nude with Pamela Anderson and any other hot babe they can line up.

“I decided it was time to turn over a new leaf and start spending time naked with Pamela Anderson,” said Ronald McDonald, speaking at Gold’s Gym where he was working off a couple burgers and fries.  “It’s going to be rough but someone has got to do it.  I just hope she’s up for a little wrestling in vegetable oil afterward.”

PETA has submitted a shareholder resolution to McDonald’s encouraging the company to buy 5 percent of its eggs from non fur wearing chickens that are allowed to roam around the countryside.  They say that chickens that live indoors aren’t in their natural wilderness habitat and get bored watching reality television.

“Wild chickens should roam the plains the way they did back before the white man came to America and captured them and put them inside out of the summer heat and freezing winter temperatures,” said PETA activist and co-founder Ingrid Newkirk, tossing baby chicks into the Brazilian rain forest for their safety and freedom.  “Humankind shouldn’t eat meat and when the U.S. elects a PETA backer as president we’ll have everyone’s incisors removed as part of a new health care initiative.  Humans are the only deviant that evolution has produced and we must be squelched of our natural tendency to eat steak and cheeseburgers.  We should only eat plants properly euthanized before harvesting.  I have guilt about that too, but eating only rocks gets me no nutrition at all.  Actually, the whole idea of eating revolts me.  I quit for a while but it didn’t work out.”

Not everyone thinks Ronald McDonald should pose nude, or that PETA has a clue to what’s going on.  “While I agree that chickens should be allowed to freely roam our cities and streets, I’ve got to draw the line at seeing Ronald in the buff,” said hotel critic and denture wearer Robert Macon.  “There are some things that no animal or human being should be exposed to and seeing Ronald without clothes on is one of them.  On the other hand I think Pamela Anderson should protest nude as often and as freely as possible.  Believe me I’ll come to every rally she holds while naked and will even put down my burger long enough to hoot and make animal noises.”

In related news, most consumers agree that free roaming chickens are okay if they keep out from under moving cars, but aren’t sure whether the same holds true for most PETA activists.

© 2007

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