Daily Archives: December 7, 2007

Inmates and Islamofascists, toilets and bombs

The value of distraction

Inebriated Press
December 7, 2007

Police in Southern Indiana are searching for an inmate who escaped from a work-release crew Wednesday after using an overflowing toilet as a distraction.  And a disputed report called the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) says Iran stopped its formal nuclear program in 2003.  In response to the NIE report Democrats said Wednesday that Iran is no longer a threat, while the same day Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech that the Islamic republic needs at least 50,000 uranium-enriching centrifuges.  That’s up from the 3,000 they have now.  Some experts say we can’t trust convicts or Islamofascists but Congressional leaders say there’s nothing to worry about.

“We can trust Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when he says that he has no plans to develop nuclear weapons, because he’s a man of his word,” said U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, looking up from the letter he was writing to Santa.  “The stuff he said about his plans to wipe Israel and the U.S. off the face of the earth, I think he was only joking about that.”  After pausing to contemplate the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, Reid continued by saying, “All the stuff Ahmadinejad said about the Jewish Holocaust not being true is just him kidding around too.  He’s quite a joker sometimes.  Islamofascists are really just misunderstood.  They’re getting a bad rap.”

The escaped convict was last seen at G&R Auto Sales, 10109 NE Ind. 62 near Charlestown, Indiana, where police said he stole a red 1995 Chevrolet Camaro convertible about 1 p.m. Wednesday.  The surprise U.S. intelligence findings on Iran issued this week – which concluded that Tehran no longer has a formal nuclear weapons program – have sparked condemnation of the Bush administration from the left.  But, there are still a few American’s who don’t completely trust the Indiana convict or Iranian president.

“Just because the program isn’t ‘formal’ doesn’t mean that Iran has suddenly forgotten all the knowledge that they have acquired or that growth in the number of uranium-enriching centrifuges is something they’re doing because they’re bored,” said deputy director of National Intelligence, Donald Kerr, crossing himself and adjusting his bulletproof vest.  “It’s like saying I decided not to go deer hunting because I didn’t buy a permit this year, meanwhile I’m buying crates of ammo at a sporting goods store.  Most rational folks would conclude that I’m up to something.”

Global Security reported that in a meeting with war veterans in Iran on Wednesday, Ahmadinejad said, “When we commissioned 164 series of centrifuges, the ill-wishers told us to stop there and that they would ignore it, but “we said we need 50,000 centrifuges.”  The president said Iran continued industrial production of nuclear fuel in spite of ill-wishers’ will.  On the possible issuance of a new resolution at the United Nations Security Council against Iran’s peaceful nuclear activities, the president said, “Our nation does not fear such threats.”

In other news, the NIE report also said that Count Dracula was a misunderstood management executive from Transylvania whose good looks often caused women to swoon and faint.  Word on his undead blood sucking activities was left out because they wanted to create a tasteful report.  “No need to be morose,” a writer reportedly said.  “People get uncomfortable with those kinds of facts.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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UFO’s come here for the hookers

Dissatisfied with gals from Jupiter?

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
November 7, 2007

In a twist that changes the entire debate about aliens and rectal probing, a recent communiqué intercepted by NASA radio wave scientists in Alabama reveals that aliens from other planets are coming to earth to pick up prostitutes.  NASA’s VLF receiver harvested the sounds and after filtering out noise from automobile traffic and NASDAQ market reports, was able to isolate come-on lines used by aliens to get hookers to ‘take a trip’ with them.

“The communication was between two aliens from Jupiter exchanging tips on what lines worked best to get earth chicks or hookers to come with them,” said scientist and consumer advocate Murphy ‘Mustang’ Howitzer.  “Lines like ‘hey baby check out this leather’ was standard lingo they apparently used, but not very effectively I don’t think.  They seemed to have had more success when they pursued hookers with lines like ‘five hundred for one time around the block’.” 

Not everyone thinks the project has detected aliens pursuing earth women.  “I’ve heard the same lines from guys at a party when I went to the University of Idaho,” said Jane Doe, an earth woman whose name is frequently used to refer to no one in particular.  “If I didn’t prefer to remain anonymous I’d tell you other things that went on at those parties.  I really think that NASA was just listening in on a call between a couple college guys.  Although I wouldn’t be very surprised to learn that aliens and college guys are basically alike.”

NASA’s mission ISIS 2 using the VLF Receiver was designed to study natural and man-made VLF signals. Specific objectives included the investigation of VLF propagation phenomena, ion and hybrid plasma resonances, and correlations between VLF emissions and intense fluxes of energetic particles.  No attempt to track aliens or their conversations about hookers or earth girl’s hooters was attempted but scientists say they are enjoying the outcome.

In other news, rumors of aliens and hookers continue to spin in the American South where both are considered valuable to the economy.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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