Inmates and Islamofascists, toilets and bombs

The value of distraction

Inebriated Press
December 7, 2007

Police in Southern Indiana are searching for an inmate who escaped from a work-release crew Wednesday after using an overflowing toilet as a distraction.  And a disputed report called the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) says Iran stopped its formal nuclear program in 2003.  In response to the NIE report Democrats said Wednesday that Iran is no longer a threat, while the same day Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech that the Islamic republic needs at least 50,000 uranium-enriching centrifuges.  That’s up from the 3,000 they have now.  Some experts say we can’t trust convicts or Islamofascists but Congressional leaders say there’s nothing to worry about.

“We can trust Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when he says that he has no plans to develop nuclear weapons, because he’s a man of his word,” said U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, looking up from the letter he was writing to Santa.  “The stuff he said about his plans to wipe Israel and the U.S. off the face of the earth, I think he was only joking about that.”  After pausing to contemplate the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, Reid continued by saying, “All the stuff Ahmadinejad said about the Jewish Holocaust not being true is just him kidding around too.  He’s quite a joker sometimes.  Islamofascists are really just misunderstood.  They’re getting a bad rap.”

The escaped convict was last seen at G&R Auto Sales, 10109 NE Ind. 62 near Charlestown, Indiana, where police said he stole a red 1995 Chevrolet Camaro convertible about 1 p.m. Wednesday.  The surprise U.S. intelligence findings on Iran issued this week – which concluded that Tehran no longer has a formal nuclear weapons program – have sparked condemnation of the Bush administration from the left.  But, there are still a few American’s who don’t completely trust the Indiana convict or Iranian president.

“Just because the program isn’t ‘formal’ doesn’t mean that Iran has suddenly forgotten all the knowledge that they have acquired or that growth in the number of uranium-enriching centrifuges is something they’re doing because they’re bored,” said deputy director of National Intelligence, Donald Kerr, crossing himself and adjusting his bulletproof vest.  “It’s like saying I decided not to go deer hunting because I didn’t buy a permit this year, meanwhile I’m buying crates of ammo at a sporting goods store.  Most rational folks would conclude that I’m up to something.”

Global Security reported that in a meeting with war veterans in Iran on Wednesday, Ahmadinejad said, “When we commissioned 164 series of centrifuges, the ill-wishers told us to stop there and that they would ignore it, but “we said we need 50,000 centrifuges.”  The president said Iran continued industrial production of nuclear fuel in spite of ill-wishers’ will.  On the possible issuance of a new resolution at the United Nations Security Council against Iran’s peaceful nuclear activities, the president said, “Our nation does not fear such threats.”

In other news, the NIE report also said that Count Dracula was a misunderstood management executive from Transylvania whose good looks often caused women to swoon and faint.  Word on his undead blood sucking activities was left out because they wanted to create a tasteful report.  “No need to be morose,” a writer reportedly said.  “People get uncomfortable with those kinds of facts.”

© 2007

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