Daily Archives: December 10, 2007

George W’s Christmas Letter to Kim

U.S. and North Korea are pen pals at last?

Inebriated Press
December 10, 2007

The New York Times reported last week that President George W. Bush, directly engaging the man he publicly called a “tyrant” and privately called a “pygmy,” wrote a letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-il and held out the prospect of normalized relations with the United States if North Korea fully discloses all nuclear programs and gets rid of its nuclear weapons.  Reportedly Kim was disappointed that George didn’t send a Christmas turkey with the note, but was thinking of mailing Bush one of his jump suits anyway.

“The U.S. president has sent lots of money and oil to encourage me to set aside my missile tests and nuclear development and that’s a good sign,” said Jong-il, melting small plastic soldiers under a magnifying glass.  “It took him a bit longer to warm up to my extortion plan than Bill Clinton did, and I’m not sure Bush trusts me as much, but he’s coming along.  We’ll see how he treats me on Valentines Day.”

North Korea agreed in October to dismantle all of its nuclear facilities and to disclose all of its past and present nuclear programs by the end of the year in return for 950,000 metric tons of fuel oil or its equivalent in economic aid.  They did a similar deal with the Clinton Administration but after receiving cash and prizes, continued the secret development of nuclear weapons.  A crisis emerged when they began testing missiles that could reach the U.S. coast.  Most U.S. Congressional leaders are comfortable that things are working better now and are pleased that Bush wrote to Jong-il.

“Jong-il is a nice guy who likes jump suits, chewing gum and only occasionally starves citizens who disagree with him,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  “But who doesn’t like all of those things?  I’m not partial to jump suits, but gum and helping others avoid over-eating are nothing I’d characterize as problems.”  Then pausing to lick her shoe she said, “Bill Clinton sent Jong-il gifts and although he lied and tricked us, we felt pretty good about ourselves for a while.  George is adopting part of Bill’s legacy and that’s good this time of year.  This is the holiday season after all.”

But not everyone is comfortable that continuing to give money and oil to North Korea will make them behave.  “Keep throwing pork chops at Doberman’s all you want, eventually they’ll still take off a piece of you if you’re not careful,” said animal control expert Johnny Comlately, putting salve in deep teeth marks on his leg.  “Pavlov’s ‘conditioned response’ comes to mind now that I see the U.S. continuing to give North Korea gifts after they threaten us, South Korea and Japan.  Still if it makes us feel better about ourselves, I suppose that’s progress of a sort.”

In related news, Laura Bush was okay with George writing the letter to Jong-il but wouldn’t let him put a Christmas picture of them in the envelope.  Reportedly she said she didn’t want Jong-il to clip her picture and put it on his bulletin board.  “He creeps me out,” she said.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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People get taller, short folks protest

New minority calls for benefits

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 10, 2007

Americans are continuing to grow taller and a new minority of short people is protesting.  They want tallness stopped and special benefits given to those whose height is below average.  The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is taking up their plight and wants everyone under five feet nine inches in height to receive government payments of $50,000 per year to offset the general feeling of malaise caused by shortness.  Some stuck-up tall people don’t agree with the effort to aid short people.

“Must we give money to every group who feels bad about themselves,” said some tall woman in a very non-tolerant way, acting like people shouldn’t be given $50k a year for almost any reason.  “My taxes go for the craziest stuff already.  Do we have to invent even more?”

Statistics say that a man’s average height is 5’9 1/2″ and a woman’s average height is 5’4 1/2″.  Humans increased in stature dramatically during the last 150 years, but we may have reached the upper limit.  Some geneticists say that the average height of a human man will probably never exceed that of basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, who stands 7 feet and 1 inch tall.  The ACLU says they don’t care and want tallness stopped now and short people paid in Eurodollars beginning next year.

“It’s time we take hard earned tax dollars convert them to Euros which are more valuable, and then give them to short people who would be happier if they had an extra $50,000 per year,” said ACLU executive wannabee Susie Mackerel, a seamstress from Queens.  “Tall people are looking down on short people.  But if short people got extra cash it’d be an incentive for people to remain small and for tall people to feel less superior.  Darn tootin.”

Scientists say that over the last 150 years the average height of people in industrialized nations has increased approximately four inches, and Rosie O’Donnell put on 75 pounds.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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