New minority calls for benefits
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 10, 2007
Americans are continuing to grow taller and a new minority of short people is protesting. They want tallness stopped and special benefits given to those whose height is below average. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is taking up their plight and wants everyone under five feet nine inches in height to receive government payments of $50,000 per year to offset the general feeling of malaise caused by shortness. Some stuck-up tall people don’t agree with the effort to aid short people.
“Must we give money to every group who feels bad about themselves,” said some tall woman in a very non-tolerant way, acting like people shouldn’t be given $50k a year for almost any reason. “My taxes go for the craziest stuff already. Do we have to invent even more?”
Statistics say that a man’s average height is 5’9 1/2″ and a woman’s average height is 5’4 1/2″. Humans increased in stature dramatically during the last 150 years, but we may have reached the upper limit. Some geneticists say that the average height of a human man will probably never exceed that of basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, who stands 7 feet and 1 inch tall. The ACLU says they don’t care and want tallness stopped now and short people paid in Eurodollars beginning next year.
“It’s time we take hard earned tax dollars convert them to Euros which are more valuable, and then give them to short people who would be happier if they had an extra $50,000 per year,” said ACLU executive wannabee Susie Mackerel, a seamstress from Queens. “Tall people are looking down on short people. But if short people got extra cash it’d be an incentive for people to remain small and for tall people to feel less superior. Darn tootin.”
Scientists say that over the last 150 years the average height of people in industrialized nations has increased approximately four inches, and Rosie O’Donnell put on 75 pounds.
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