Daily Archives: December 11, 2007

Magazine uses fake Britney; no fake prison for NFL’s Vick

Body double for Spears, real Michael Vick gets 23 months

Inebriated Press
December 11, 2007

Dateline Hollywood – Blender Magazine has put out the call for a body double to replace Britney Spears for the pages of their magazine.  The Gimme More singer was called too out of shape to use her own body, so much so that even airbrushing couldn’t fix her up.  And Michael Vick, once one of the highest paid players in the National Football League, was sentenced to 23 months in prison for financing a dogfighting ring and helping to kill pit bulls that did not fight aggressively.  Spears hopes she can become who she once was and Vick would like a body double to send to jail.  Most experts think that neither Vick nor Spears will get what they want for Christmas.

“The folks at eBay tell us that Spears collectibles are being dumped on their auction site by the bushel as owners hope to jettison inventory because the pop singer keeps plumping up and doing stupid stuff,” said eBay connoisseur and part time vagrant, Kimmie Blong.  “In London they just completed a poll of girls ages 11-18 and they labeled Spears and Linday Lohan both ‘stupid’.  That’s probably going to make both stars and their memorabilia less popular.”
Items for sale of Britney Spears memorabilia on eBay have skyrocketed in recent weeks, with some speculating that a full scale Britney meltdown is right around the corner.  Spears has recently faced troubles with the law, might lose her kids permanently, and her album sales have slumped significantly.  Michael Vick’s stunning downfall from NFL superstar to disgraced dogfighting defendant culminated Monday in a 90-minute sentencing hearing in federal court in Richmond, Virginia.  Vick told the court he used ‘poor judgment’ but Spears continues to deny reality.

“I’m still the sweet sexy girl that I always have been,” said the pop singer twirling her underwear around her right index finger.  “I’ve just matured a little and now am more of a traditionally sized woman with broader interests, like Starbucks and IHOP.”  Then pausing to show her ass to paparazzi she said, “I’m auditioning for the sequel to the movie ‘Knocked Up’.  With two kids on my resume, I’m a shew in.”

Not everyone has turned against Spears.  “Britney continues to be a fine role model for young ladies,” said Playboy chief Hugh Hefner, offering Spears a pictorial in his magazine, complete with cash, a Weight Watchers program, five air brush experts and a body shop technician from MAACO.  “She’s ‘out there’ the way all young women with two kids should be.  Heck if my twins don’t start crashing cars and tossing panties out the window I’m going to get on their case.”

In other news, a convicted serial killer in Canada was sentenced Sunday and will be eligible for parole in ten years.  And a recent survey of liberals found that the concept of “rule of law” is no longer relevant and has been replaced in their minds by “anything that can be done; should be done”.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Confused Pilots Land on Postage Stamp

Say Google Maps Mislead Them

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 11, 2007

Two North Carolina pilots, reputed to be relatives of Wilber and Orville Wright, have safely landed a Boeing 747 on a postage stamp inside a wax museum near Charlotte.  The plane gently touched down with its running gear lowered and locked in the wee hours last Thursday night, according to observers.  The American Airlines jet was supposed to land at Dulles Airport in Virginia so passengers were noticeably irritated when disembarking in the museum.

“I’m going to be late for my dental scraping appointment and I just hate that,” said Zippy Chemlawn, a wealthy lawn care specialist with a bad case of gingivitis.  “Don’t these airlines care about oral health at all?”

The pilots, both with over five hours of experience, were pressed into service after the Hollywood writers strike resulted in several professional long time pilots leaving to write sitcoms for NBC Television.  Neither of the two fliers would allow their name to be used and kept referring to each other as Thing One and Thing Two.  Thing One said the flight had gone well until they landed at the wrong location.  Thing Two concurred with Thing One and complained that Google Maps had messed up.

“We think something in an algorithm went wrong because we ended up on a postage stamp in Charlotte and we weren’t supposed to be there,” said Thing Two, snorting some white powder he said was for a sinus infection.  “Next time I’m using Map Quest.”

The owner of the Wax Museum said it was okay with them if pilots want to land on stamps at their place, as long as they don’t break their classic 45’s and LP’s.  Police said there isn’t an actual wax museum in Charlotte but said that an old record store called the “Wax Museum” is located in the city.  Police also denied that a 747 had landed in the store, but Thing One and Thing Two insist that it happened and this reporter believes them because I don’t have time to check it out due to the publishers’ deadline.  Besides, it rings true and if that’s good enough for politicians who believe Iran is no threat, then airliners landing on postage stamps in museums works for me.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid